A transcription of a voice memo I took this morning:
Okay. Audio log because I'm walking out of the gym. I need to fill up my tire. I've needed to fill up my tire for months. I don't know. I want to capture this feeling. I feel fucking stupid talking out loud into this thing but I want to capture this feeling and it should be an entry in my journal so I'm saying it out loud right now and then I'm going to transcribe it later on today. I had to leave the gym early. Because. Because why? I couldn't figure it out. I could barely get through the primary lifts. And I had to leave. And I had to leave. And I was spiraling and I was losing it and why? There's no reason. I was fine last night I was fine this morning. Why? And it's because I forgot my headphones. I don't have my headphones. So after 45 minutes at the gym, my brain kept telling itself to kill itself. Die. Kill yourself. Why? Because I forgot my headphones. I need help. I need help.
YIKES get a load of that guy lol. He sure sounds like a mess. Anyways, I'm at coffee right now and gave Hiba her half of a muffin. It was chocolate because they were out of coffee cake. When I came over she remembered me, but seemed to take the muffin out of kindness. And that was it really. I was nervous doing it. It took me a few minutes to build up the courage. Like I was standing on the edge of a pool unable to make myself jump into the cold water. But I did it and I'm glad I did. I don't expect anything, but I'm glad I did it. It's something, ya know?
Also in regards to the gym/headphones shit. I ended up taking Luna for a walk earlier than usual in the mornings and ran into Nala and her mom who's name completely evades me. Anyways, she and I never really chatted much but we did today. It was a great convo for like 10+ minutes. She's in cybersecurity so we instantly started talking about the software field in general and work and stuff. It was just a good conversation and we went our separate ways. I remember walking back home, almost grateful in a way that I forgot my headphones. Because if I had stayed at the gym I wouldn't have ran into her and wouldn't have had the small but genuine connection with someone. And I'd say that it's a pretty fair trade for me, wanting to die but connecting with someone in exchange. Most of the time I just want to die and nothing good comes from it. Maybe I'll forget my headphones more often lol.