I sit here because I don't want to be alone. It's not that I'm lonely, I just don't want to be alone. I sit here and look at every girl that walks by. I imagine what life would be like with them. I get attached without ever saying a word. And why? Because I'm scared? Because I'm not ready? Because I'm working on me? But being ready seems like a concept to me, not a place. I know I need to work on myself, but even if I get better I worry I will still fundamentally be unready. How do I conquer this? I want affection. I want touch. I want closeness. I want security. I want a best friend. I want a partner in crime. I want someone to love. You aren't real. You're a concept I apply to any pretty girl that walks by. It's not about her, it's about what I want from her. How do I find her? She isn't at my house. She's out there somewhere. Smiling, crying, loving life, having her heart broken, with her own story to tell. I don't believe in soulmates, but she is out there somewhere whoever she is. I don't know where, I don't know when, I don't even know if I'll find her one day. But she isn't at home. The only thing at home is my own thoughts. Isolation. Spiraling. And so I go to coffee and I look for her. She's the girl with the piercing eyes that asked me to watch her stuff as she ran to the bathroom. She's the girl with the dragon tattoo on her back that I look at as she hands people her coffee. She is a concept. She is love. She is warmth. She is purpose. She is life. She isn't real. But she's out there somewhere.
People "date themselves". I think it's a healthy thing to do. I think I can do it, but I think it still requires me to live life. I want friends. I want to do things with people, experience things, just live. It's so fulfilling to even chit chat with someone for 15 seconds at the coffee shop if something comes up. It just feels real. It's just something. I want something. I want to connect in general. I think if I made more friends somehow, got involved in things, went out and did stuff, was invited places, etc it would be really good for me. It would help fill that hole I feel that makes me so desperate for someone. For this concept of someone. I'm hoping maybe Cass can be that. She seems interesting and genuine and I'd like to be friends with her. I need friends. That's it. Nothing more. I want a social circle. I want diversity or else I'll become completely dependent on whoever I end up with one day. My social life will be their social life. My fun will be their fun. I'll live through them because that's the only way I could feel anything real. My happiness will be external and not internal. And then it'll fail.
What progress have I made? Where do I stand as I write this?
There's probably more, I know there is. All of these things are objectively progress, but why doesn't it feel like progress?
I don't want the pressure of this world. The societal expectations. It's like how CEOs loved to be dominated. It's so exhausting always having to be the one to pursue. I just feel frozen. It's not like I'm unattractive or I'm not funny or can't talk to people. I guess I lack confidence? That doesn't feel right though. I don't know. It's more self defeat than a lack of confidence I think. I see someone beautiful and immediately in the blink of an eye go through all of the reasons it would fail or why I'm not ready or why I'm not good enough. And I think that's different than an explicit lack of confidence. It all stems back to the expectations and pressure I put on myself. I'm not ready, I'm too sick, I'm so hot and cold. She is all I want, but she is just a concept that I'm not ready to make real yet.