Dear Diary, I hate everything so much, it's 2AM and I feel like punching walls, biting through my phone, screaming out my lungs, destroying stuff. I don't know how to stop this and honestly I dont want it to stop at this point, I just feel so much rage at everything right now and yes at women too. I usually try to be reasonable and dont blame a whole gender inndiscriminately but tonight I just cant help myself I know its stupid and horrible, but I am just drowning in hopelessness.
Being attracted to women is a fate comparable to torture at this point. I hate being attracted to a gender that never shows you any affection or interest unless you literally force them to do it, which makes you feel like human scum. I hate that fucking word fLiRTinG so fucking much, its just a euphemism for the same kind of shitty behaviour women otherwise say they hate. But then they demand the same thing from you under a different name.
I hate being endlessly told to self improve myself to better my chances and feel better. I exercise almost every day now and it does not make me feel better, because every time I just think how freaking useless it is. I went from pants size 36 to 32 over the last 3 years and NOTHING changed at all.
I hate that stupid "Don't worry so much" statement so much!!!!!!! NO I'm not fine with never experiencing any kind of romance till I am 40 or sth. I hate that people act like men can wait as long as they like just because we arent as much judged on youthfulness and dont lose the ability to have children. If women had to spent age 20-40 in lonelyness, but in return retained all their youthfulness and their ovums would they do it? No because what is the point of having youth if you cant use it. What about the psychological damage you recieve in that time? All your formative years spent without any chance to experience your sexuality or a deeper connection to another human being.
I hate being told that being introverted and having niche interests isnt a big deal, because it IS. I can barely find anybody I can share stuff with and I just dont talk much which means that no woman will ever be interested because they are all attracted to that stupid sense of cOnFidEncE they are all preaching.
Being a heterosexual man is so terrible and you are not even able to talk about anywhere except in the darkest corners of the internet with terrible right wing people. I know LGBTQ is important but why is everybody ignoring such a huge problem. If queer people had these kinds of problems everybody would be empathetic. It maybe wouldnt solve the problem but at least you would have a different outlet except marching circles through your room late at night trying to find a way to express your rage that will soon change into deep sadness again.
How is anyone supposed to deal with this?? You just go insane that is the only way. Nothing you do changes the fact that women dont have the slightest bit of interest in you and never will. Now this is an incel thought through ans through but I just cant get it out of my head there is nothing I can find to argue against it, because all my experiences support it. They just dont care, are completey apathetic, even if they have good reasons for it.
This is just not how its supposed to be. Heterosexuality is supposed to be mutual attraction of different genders, nit just one It cant work like this. But it seems its really just attraction from men towards women nothing else. Women just entertain some men for some weird reasons not actually related to sexuality. Maybe they just like relationships idk. I WANT to believe in female sexuality towards men but the whole concept is just a damn theory from my perspective, a comforting one that I cling to, but unless I see at least one woman clamoring for a guy in real life, I just cant give it any credibility anymore. Because even if it does exist, all that matters is that it doesnt feel like it exists.