Yet ANOTHER breakdown (this had reason though)


I had an emotional breakdown yesterday.

My therapist told me like a week ago? That I have PTSD from the sexual assault and bullying I went through for 6 months, part of me didn’t really believe it but I realized that it’s actually true tho…

I spent 6 months telling myself that all this was normal and okay and that I was enjoying it.

I spent 6 months hiding all my feelings and spent 6 months hearing my “best friend” at the time gaslight me and tell me what happened was a mistake on both his part but mine too because I wasn’t firm and strict enough when I said NO. 

Then when summer came around I saw that as an opportunity to start fresh and new and cut off contact with those 3 assholes who ruined my mental health, then I spent the 2 first months of this school year also not thinking about and it wasn’t until now that I realized I don’t remember my 17th birthday…

All I remember from my birthday week is going to the school and reporting it but then having absolutely NOTHING happen, I accused to male students of SA and bullying and one female student of bullying and supporting the SA and they didn’t even call their parents to notify them that someone had just reported something so serious.

Grismarie’s mom works at the school, can you believe that? I told them that one of their employees kids had been bullying me and letting all this happen and they STILL did nothing.

I remember the principal sitting there saying “but it wasn’t rape though right?” Like what the actual fuck dude no it wasn’t rape but I still was affected HEAVILY by it.

 I think it’s all my fault, I could’ve walked away from the situation, I could’ve spoken up and said something from the beginning I could’ve told them to fuck off and never contact me again but instead I let it happen and told myself it was fine and that I’m just way too emotional and sensitive.

This is besides the point but now I’m also worried that mami is gonna think that the PTSD is the solution and answer to the mood swings. I’m not professional but when I had those mental breakdowns and intense highs and lows for 2 weeks I was never thinking about grismarie or any type of bullying or sexual assault, I don’t even know what I was thinking to be honest. 

All I know is that I need to find a way to learn how to deal with this and find a way to try and not blame myself for what happened, but I’m also still sad cause I wish the severe mood swings could be solved easily but I actually do think I need the medication because highs and lows are just not it anymore like i hate how when I’m at school I just switch every hour and I just don’t like it :/

But I do think I found the answer as to why I cut myself and think I deserve everything bad that’s happening to me,

So now I just need to remind myself that I don’t deserve it and maybe the cutting will stop? Although sometimes I just cut so I can feel something because there’s day where I feel so empty.

I wish we could speed all this up so I can just enjoy senior year:(