Dear Diary,
Many things to tell you today. I want to write to you more frequently but i really didn't have much time in the last few days, i didn't have track of when i am waking up and sleeping.
I'll start with something about today. I asked someone for a coffee and got rejected(Technically - blocked by her). Let me tell you this - It was kind of my first attempt like this in 28 years. I'll come back to this a little later now.
First: Garba night
Last weekend, Ankita asked(Thanks to her) and as usual, i said, aahhh, dance, i dont think i can do. But the she asked once more and i said, ok, we'll go. I didn't know then how great it was going to be.
So we went to the function(A thing about having money in my pocket is, now i dont even think of things like function fees at all, they ask for money, i hand it to them, i dont even think about a few thousand bucks now, earlier, this used to be a big concern in my life).
We saw a group dancing and we asked if we can join and we joined them. Young people (Younger than us =D ). Following them i learnt a few steps. The other guys danced soooo freely and so beautifully and i tried to copy them, while continously looking at them, i struggled and i could barely follow them, thats when i thought that the dance is all about being free and natural and so i stopped looking at them and just did freely, and i did better, i could see.
The dance has a different level of emotions(It's not just about throwing your hands and legs), everyone is high on these emotions, we shouted, we laughed and somehow felt connected.
Looking at the other guys, i realized that how important these things are in life. Everyone was looking at poojan and sandeep and radhika, not only because they were doing it really good, but they were all very much in the moment.
It doesn't really matter, if i am a scientist or an entrepreneur or how much money i make, when it comes to being with people. For you as a person, a smile is more important than everything else.
Among them, there was one girl, wearing red, who i thought was noticing me, and thinking of myself as someone good at psycology/understanding people, i did 1-2 little experiments while dancing, and i concluded she was intrested(atleast a little bit). So i asked her number when she was leaving.
After coming home, i decided to wait for 3 days until i ask her out. But i did not imagine any scenario in my head, nothing about how she may say yes or how she may say no. I did not think/plan anything, just wait for 3 days and ask her was the only plan.
So i did, today, in asked her, very plain, without trying to make any lame jokes or being funny, straight forward, would you like to grab a coffee late evening today. And without much expectation(I swear).
To my surprise, she reacted. She got mad, And asked things like why did i ask her? did she give me any hint and bla blahh, she was very mad, i played cool, i said, it's alright, i just asked, because i wanted to go, but she just kept saying these things and later blocked me. :O
Although, i swear, it didn't affect my mood at all. I took this rejection very well. It's just a lesson, sometimes, people can get mad if you ask them for cofee. Next time maybe i'll just do some chit chats before asking and not offend her.
Shopping:
Last weekend, i also did a lot of shopping, i bought kindle, i bought shoes, things for my laptop and most importantly clothes. Usually i dont like spending money on these things(I have been waiting to buy a kindle for years now). But, as i said, something in my mindset has changed now, that i dont think of money as a concern anymore. I just look at what i need, and i dont think about what i have to pay for it.
I think, soon i have to do something about this attitude. I think this is very wrong for me. I have to forget that i have any money, i look at people living on streets and feel somehow touched, i want to have the happiness which does not need any money. I have to do something about it.
Centen
I have decided to close it for now. I thought Rishabh would join and we can continue, but it's not happening and i cannot continue to keep doing it, i do not have any time now. Working with dawrani was good, it was fun, but i think workwise, i had most of the responsibilities and concerns, he is chill, ofcourse thats what is his quality, but anyway, he is my best friend and i think we both understand each other very well too. And that is why we never had a fight about anything, there is one more thing i just have to test now, but i think we are good.
Goodbye Centen. It was another good experience, being able to start a new business, run it, playing as a team, and keeping my calm in adverse situations. It was all good. Totally worth it. (We can learn few things in life, only by going deep through them).
Walnuts
Kashmiri Walnuts really work. Lately i have been forgetting everything, i was literally forgetting people's faces, so i re ordered walnuts from the kashmiri guy and now once again, i remember things.
Her
In the last few weeks, we are meeting very less, i did not meet her last week, and week before that i only went for a little and we dint go anywhere. I have started accpeting that she never really cared about me much(It is true, no matter how much i tell myself that it's not, it is true). But i care. And maybe i always will. And it's not efforts, it's just natural. I am not sad about it. I am infact content.
This does not stop me from trying to meet new people also. I am happy and i'll be happy whereever i go.
So, today when she messaged, i told her my plan, i din't tell her much about why she dint plan for dharmshala, i din't want to hurt her, ofcourse i know why she didn't. I had a meeting, so couldnt talk much, but later i felt something in my gut, something telling me, that probably she is little sad today and that makes me sad. I wish i could just take away all the sad days from her life =D, i know, i know, we all have to have our sad days, but still, i wish i would just have the opportunity to try to cheer her up, but when she is not very welcoming, my efforts become burden on her and makes her even sadder. I wish this weren't true.
I may be wrong, she may infact be happy. I think, all i wish is, when she sleeps, she sleep like a baby, like there is nothing to worry about in the whole dam world.
Me
Sometimes, I become so busy with work and my own life, that i start loosing touch with people i care about. Mom, sweety, di, mama, nani, my family. I havent spoken to them with peace in such long time, and her as well, like i alsmost started forgetting about her, on somedays i slpet without thinking of her even once. And then, today when i suddenly realise it, it feels, something, something like regret and a little loneliness. I didn't think much about komal ever since. I thought of calling her once or twice, but i didn't. She did mean something to me, i think i loved her too at a point.
It makes me question, who am i ? what do i really care about ?
Blake
I saw blake today in a photo, he always workout , he has booked in his calendar, one hour everyday for workout. I think after coming back from vipassana, this is something i will add in my list, as a permanent thing. I have to. Health is wealth.
Ok. Goodnight ❤️❤️❤️
--panda--