Dear Diary,
IT WAS ALWAYS MY BROTHER...ALWAYS.
Yesterday I went out to visit my uncle and aunt after my cousin left and they started counseling me... not that but more like guiding me. And I appreciate that.
So I came back home and thought that maybe I needed to talk to my parents about it. But what parent? my dad is quite ignorant about my existence and he just does not care as long as I am not a total burden on him and my mom she just loves to judge me.
After I reached home, I went straight to mum and told her, "I am kinda worried about my future" and her reply was, "YOU! you are worried about your future? well for how long? 1 minute?" and she started laughing...
I lost my fuckin temper that moment. I wanted to kill her and everyone else at that moment.
I wanted to say something so bad to her but couldn't. how can a person live with people like them?
They always listened to what my brother had to say. Even the last time he visited us, then also it was always him.
It had always been him. The day he left and after reaching he called mum at around 1 am and vented his gfs anger on her. My mom in turn woke me up at 1:15 and vented out on me. I WAS RUNNING DOWN A FEVER THAT DAY, YET SHE DID THAT TO ME.
If I make any mistake she would not talk to me for days and months, and won't let anyone else talk to me either. She kept saying I was never born yet remember everything about my brother, the day she conceived, his heartbeat, etc, etc... Then why not me?? what is my fault? I received more affection from random people than from my own family. They don't even want me to complete my studies and look for jobs because I NEED TO PAY THE DEBTS AND BECAUSE MY BROTHER IS STRUGGLING LIVING ALL BY HIMSELF AND HE CANNOT HELP US... Then what? after paying off the debts they will just get me married to whoever they like? I am pretty sure that person might kill me and no one but my family will be happier than ever
EITHER I DIE THIS TIME OR THEM.
I SERIOUSLY WANT TO KILL MYSELF AT THIS POINT. I HATE EVERY SECOND WITH THEM
IF GOD EXISTS, WHEN WILL I EVER BE FREE? OR WILL I EVER BE HAPPY?? I WANT MY ANSWERS
WHY AM I SO SO SO UNLUCKY?