Dear Diary,
Lately I have been very unmotivated, I don't have energy for anything... It's not that I am unhappy about anything... But all I want to do is sleep...
I was thinking about my past, I have never put effort for anything in life, I am one of the laziest persons you would ever see... I had so much potential, and I wasted them by not putting any efforts...
I never studied much, just studied the day before exams even during 12th boards and still ended up being topper with 92%... Similarly I didn't not prepare for Jee Mains, only studied 3 days before exam and still scored 166/360 , and got selected in my dream college. Same with gate...
Now I am tired of this attitude of never giving any effort... Intentionally my mind wants me to remain mediocre... My bf is upset with this attitude of mine as well...
I want to change for the better but I push everything till the last moment and then start working on it because I know I can still be good at it. Even during my ug and pg exams, I started studying only on the day of exam and in the morning for most subjects except a few which I knew would take take more time... So I would always score better during odd semisters as the exam started at 2pm in odd , while 10am during even. People who don't know me well always think I must be very hardworking... Even I had to lie and say I study but still they think I am lying I must be studying all day...
I am sick and tired of myself... It's not just studies, this lazyness is there in every aspect of life of mine.
But there is a but, I know I can work hard, there have been days I have done it ... But the problem is if I could never continue it...
So, I created a habit tracker a few days ago... And I realised I don't do nothing all days everyday... I don't even do office work properly... This week I did 4 days worth of work in 4 hours and got appreciated for it as well! Lol!
I am reading self help books but if I am efficient for 3 days , the next 20 days I won't do nothing...
A lot of it maybe dependent on the environment... For example, when I was in Mumbai, I used to go to gym everyday...
The weird part is I enjoy studying, I enjoy exercising... I enjoy doing all the things I need to do in a day but still I don't do them...
Sometimes I feel I want to sabotage my life... For example I have always chosed the worst of guys to date till I met my bf... I was thinking of saying no to him as well but thankfully I didn't...
I don't know what is wrong with me... I hope I will transform...
Its 4:50pm now... all I have done is have breakfast and lunch till now... I will comeback after every 2 hours today to write what I did.
I wish my parents had tought me to be hard working person... Even though my mom herself is very hardworking... But I am like my dad, he is a lazy genius... Thankfully my brother is like my mother and he is doing very well in life.
Regards,
Anne