Dear Diary, My family has helped me grow up, taught me things about life. But not every conversation is great. We had disagreements, fights, harsh words thrown at each other. They had high expectations of me.
They thought that I would achieve something great if they put their efforts in changing and shaping me. I know it's for my own good. But I sometimes felt suffocated. I felt like I'm being pushed around to match their own versions of me. And I thought I should satisfy them. I worked for their dreams and mine (their dreams became mine). I was so sure that I would make it. But I didn't.
I felt like I've let down my family. I was like a walking disappointment among them. Not only that, but I felt like their efforts were for nothing. They wanted the best for me. But I messed it up. I felt so guilty of things going south. I was depressed for some time.
After I grew up. I realized some things. My feelings were always invalidated. When I say that I'm hurt, they say, “Why? We feed you and work hard for you, right! You have no right to feel that way”. I know life out there is harsh and unfair. Some people wish for a life like mine.
Does that mean I should feel grateful and be okay with being pushed around? I do feel grateful. But I don't want to be a pushover. I want independence. I want to owe them nothing.
Yes, I know I fucked up many things. But I will unfuck them at my own pace. I have my own dreams now. I will pursue them and make them true with my own efforts. I want to show them I can do something without their help and efforts. I refuse to be a pushover.
And I will be my own self without someone shaping me.
Ugh, while I'm writing this, I have pent-up frustration which is making me hate people I love. Oh god, human motions are complicated!!!