Peru has been running through my head all fucking day. I keep thinking about little details in which I felt like she never liked me more than a friend and how she would try to manipulate me into just being friends. She once said that she doesn't know my intentions and I don't know hers. She definitely knows my fucking intentions I made it clear from the beginning I was looking for a wife. I'm pretty sure I sent her that in my first message... Anyways just little things that she would do. I didn't want to hear anything about the dudes she's currently seeing and she constantly asked me if I was seeing anybody. Every time I said I don't really want to hear it because I would get jealous and she would pull the whole BUT we are friends card. I felt like she was always hinting in that direction even though she claimed she liked me more than a friend. I never actually believed her but was 100% excited for her to come in February so I could find out. At the same fucking time I felt like she did mean it because she would drop her high guard down and sometimes make me feel like she actually did want to be more than friends. Idk I just want her to not be said and I pray she is doing just fine without me being her friend. I feel awful if she did need me as a friend because I need to be there, but that would be sacrificing my happiness for hers and I cannot do that to myself. Depression and anxiety affects me greatly and I would be far worse than I am right now if I do actually love her more as a partner. I live her as a friend, but I want to know if I love her as a partner. It's very confusing and stressful to feel all of these emotions because I want both of us to be happy. I think about it day and night and am so on the fringe about the whole thing, but still lean towards what I'm doing is best for me, which is selfish, but necessary. Dating is fucking awful and I hate the trial and error of it all, but I must keep going to have a family I want. As always, time will tell and I should stop fucking worrying about everything, but unfortunately that's my brain and I can't control it sometimes or I can't solve the problem immediately. I've told some friends already and will probably tell more. I am an open book and I guess I don't give a shit what people think, but I care about their opinions if I am stuck like I am now. All that matters is I figure this shit out before I run myself into the ground, which I already have I suppose. I will always come out stronger, but I need to have my ambitions accomplished and my main ambition now is to find a wife.
-DrAW