Dear Diary, so about that girl from bumble I wrote last time. I'm really not in the mood to have written "small talk" conversations right now. So when she talked about how she likes to go on walks right now, I just asked her if she wanted to go on a walk together. That way I wouldnt have to keep up the conversation on the app as much. Plus it was pretty likely that she wouldnt actually want to meet me. At least that has been my experience with any other girl on these apps.
But she actually agreed, which was good too. Like I said, I feel really lonely right now and really wanted to meet someone. We agreed to just meet at Uni and maybe drink a coffee. And thats exactly what we did today. We walked around in the par for about 1,5 hours and talked and then we talked some more in a cafe. My instincts were pretty much correct on her. She is a really nice girl who shares my leftist political views and is also an atheist like me. I also thought that she was very optimistic and while that is the case its not the kind of idealistic optimism that is incompatible with me. The kind where you can't say anything negative ever and they will always say "No thats not true, why dont you look at it the way I do" Those people stress me out so much. Sometimes you need to accept that something is bad and there is solace in that you know. But thankfully she is not one of those. So I could actually joke around with her a bit.
But I dont think she is really girlfriend material for me and that makes me really anxious to be honest. I worry now that she has the wrong idea about us and that this was a date. A few hours after we said goodbye she massaged me (I gave her my number, cause talking through bumbe sucks) and said that she thought it was a pretty nice meeting and of I wanted to meet again. I said yeah sure. After a while she asked me what I had eaten (cause I briefly talked about that today) and I asked back. She answerrd that she just quickly made some vegetarian schnitzel and I wrote that that is pretty tasty. Thats where the conversation ended. I intentionally gave a shot answer because I was pretty drained from talking to someone new so much today. Introverts will understand.
So I dont know if she is actually interested in me. She was a bit nervous I think but that doesnt mean anything. But I really dont want to lead her on or anything. I know how that feels and I donz want to do that to anyone. When Knight rejected me I was completely destroyed for several weeks. I already alluded to the fact that I'm not actually in the mood to date right now when she first contacted me again. It was a lie, but how else are you supposed to keep their hopes down. So I will try to say that again next time we need. Because I dont want her to grow attached to me. I can see her as a friend though. And maybe thats how she feels too anyway.
But if she was interested, it would be a first for me to actually be the one who is not interested. Thinking about that made me understand women a little better I feel like. They have to deal with these tricky situations so much. It's not easy being rejected but being the one who has to do it isnt either. But its absolutely my right to be with someone I actually feel like being with right? Just like its a womans right to say no to guys it's my right too. It's so weird thinking about it from this angle. Of course I was aware of that fact before, but potentially being in that situation is different. I feel like a phony who is waiting for that "special" girl when there might be a perfectly nice one who likes me. I also feel bad about not wanting to do small talk on whatsapp with her, but I really hate that stuff. At least when I talk with Knight its about anime and games most of the time.
I also feel stupid that I was interested in Belle right away, even though I also knew that our characters would be incompatable because of her crazy side. Yes it was about her looks. But the "interesting" side of her personality played a role too. I think I just like weird girls. And girls who share my interests. And girls with that certain kind of look thats hard to describe. I feel bad about being that way, but I probably have to accept it, its no use. Thats probably just the way I am.
Hope I can make a new permanent friend though.
Also I have a pimple and I worry about getting acne like two years ago I again. Thats all I can say avout that really :D
Be nice to yourselves everyone!