The Horror of Keeping A Diary

[ENTRY 62..✍️]

"Wait.. I have the original draft of it somewhere else," she said whilst opening a website. Next thing I saw, she was scrolling down through a page that seemed awfully familiar to me. 

The layout, the font, the color..

To my horror, my eyes widened as I watched her scroll through tons and tons of posts.

I couldn't believe it. This is exactly just what I fear: someone who knows me using this very same app. The app where I pour all of my thoughts to. The secret place where I record the behind the scenes of my exterior display.

What if she stumbles upon my profile? What if she already did? With the chaos in my head, this place is the virtual representation of my mental oasis. This is where I arrange the mess of my thoughts. This is my escape. My sanctuary. No one can know about this unless I die. Although this app doesn't have thousands and thousands of users, I still get paranoid because I know some people who know me who are also introverts and have the tendency to keep a diary. The chances of them installing this are low but the possibility is there to trigger suspicion. And should they ever land on my page, I'm afraid they'd figure out it's me. I could always set my entries in private but for some reason, I want them to be out there.

If someone who knows me finds this app, I'd be forced to leave because the comfort the anonymity gives me will be shattered.

From what I could hear in the mumbles of my sister as she continued searching for the draft she composed, it seemed she hadn't been using this app for a long time. But still.. I tried to take a peek at her username but all I could get were the first three letters: lie.

I kept in mind to remember that, knowing it was enough to find her account. 

See? This is exactly what I'm talking about. Once you find out where someone keeps their secrets, the temptation is way too strong to not open it especially when you've gained access.

However, I didn't get to do anything about it because I woke up and it was all just a dream. What a goddamn relief. But I did search "lie" and opened all of the suggested accounts that came up. Just in case.

Well, I'm still safe. For now.

I wonder why that word specifically.. LIE. From what I could recall, it was as if those first three letters were highlighted and the rest were blurred. It's not the first time my dreams seem to leave curious hints like this.. If they at all mean anything.

Before, when I used to keep diaries the traditional way, it always worried me that somebody would read it. And living with the most annoying sisters in the world, that has happened not just once nor twice. Most of my diaries didn't have locks back then and worse, I used to share a room with my little sister.

One time, when she decided to clean, she found my journal tucked under the mattress of our bed. Being the annoying little bitch that she was (and still is), of course, she shared what she found to big sissie so the moment I came home, they both had these sly smiles on their stupid faces, not intending at all to conceal what they discovered.

They found out I was crushing on the youngest son of my mom's best friend, who lived just right across from us.

I was so, so, so.. FURIOUS.

I felt so violated. Whenever the guy was around, they would both have these teasing and knowing expressions on their silly frontispieces, that gosh, I was so itching to wipe off with a punch. Do you know how uncomfortable it feels to be standing in the presence of your secret crush along with the people who know about it? Dreading the terrible possibility that they'd tell on you any minute and put you in a very humiliating spot? As if the ridiculous look they wear on their idiotic faces aren't enough to reveal it! And the worst part was that they were my family. I don't know, but things are just more embarrassing when your family is involved. To top it off, the mother loved coming over to our house. It was bad enough that my sisters were torturing me about it. Had the rest of the acquainted families found out.. I swore, I would've moved out and never come back!

My siblings kept taunting me that they'd go and tell the guy about my hidden admiration for him, but thankfully, I also knew one or two of their secrets and blackmailed them with it. That's right, bitches. If I'm going down, I'm taking everyone with me! That's why I moved up here to the second floor in the first place, befriending demons and ghosts (I live in a haunted house and this area is the gloomiest and scariest) — all for the sake of privacy.

Fearing that someone else might get a hand on my private notes after that godforsaken incident was the exact reason I learned the Korean writing system: hangeul.

I didn't care much about studying the language, I just wanted to use another alphabet to confuse unsolicited readers. I only applied it, though, when I'd talk about really sensitive matters. Things I didn't want anyone to find out at all. When it comes to writing, see, English is—and will always be—my preferred language (although I can see the possibility of French taking the spot someday). But on those particular occasions, hangeul worked better with my native tongue.

I used to be fluent at it but not too long ago, when I tried rereading what I wrote back then, I couldn't understand shit anymore. Talk about your own tactic backfiring on your face. I mean, I could still make out some words but I now have to squeeze my brain for it and that takes a lot of effort. I could also still write some things in Korean like "saranghae" (I love you) or "mianhe" (sorry) but the majority of the letters have just already been wiped out from my memory. For me to crack those entries, I have to re-learn the alphabet.

It was so pretty, honestly. When I'd write using hangeul, it gave me some kind of pleasure as if I was in a different world. Like I was a Korean student myself. Or an anime character. Hehe. I could've chosen the Japanese or Chinese writing system but I found Korean rather easier.

Since we're relatively talking about languages, I've begun studying Spanish for a few weeks now and I absolutely love it. It's so easy! But that's probably because I already know French, a Latin-derived language itself, and my native tongue is basically composed of about 40% Spanish words. The combination of those two amazingly makes learning español mucho más fácil (so much easier).

Because of this, I suddenly understood the Spanish song I sang to my first love many years ago (he was raised in Mexico). Back then, I only had it memorized, understood some parts but not the whole, only unlocking the full message through English translation. Now, having finally understood its entirety feels like the missing pieces of the jigsaw puzzle have been filled at last. I don't just have it memorized. This time, there's clarity, and singing it again hits different.

My goal before the year ends is to watch the first few episodes of the popular "La Casa de Papel" or "Elite" in full-on español and at least understand 75% of it. For now, I'm rewatching "Victorious" in Spanish audio, a Nickelodeon TV show, so it's just pretty easy to comprehend.

I'm already a polyglot but before the year ends, I want to be able to say I've finally acquired five languages and call myself "pentalingual", if I'm going to be specific about it.

Lmfao. Sometimes, I can be really ambitious. But with the rate of my.. Hmm. I don't know how to say this without sounding arrogant. Let's try this: With the rate of my humble improvement, it's not impossible to achieve at all. Haha. Bleh.

Adios, mis amigos.