Dear Stranger,

The package from my dad came a few days ago, with in it an external hard drive filled with photos dating from 2009 to today.

I'm so glad I have them all, I've started going through them. I have to take breaks at times, there are pictures of L as a kid, I didn't think I would have such a hard time looking at them. I asked him what she was like when she was little. He told me he couldn't remember anything specific. Isn't that insane? This is his dead daughter, how can he not give me one story about her?

I know of one story. I don't remember it, I was real small. L had spilled my dad's wine on her way to take it to him. He got mad and threatened to stick the fork he was holding in her forehead.

I imagine at the time she didn't really know what to do, she didn't react, and we were all scared. So when my dad went away and she was left with her younger siblings who all looked terrified, her only solution was to turn in all into a joke. What a legend.

Funny, I expect he wouldn't want to tell me that story. Sometimes I love him, sometimes I hate him. In almost every email he send me he tells me "he can't tell a lie" or he's "incapable of lying", which, ha. What am I supposed to do with that information? Because if that's true, it means my mother is also an abusive alcoholic, it means my uncles molested my dad when he was a child, it means a bunch of horrible, horrible shit that I don't want to think about.

But he is capable of lying, he lied for years. I have no way to trust him fully. I'm sick of it, but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do, right? It's not worth it. This shit is tiring. Family is so, so tiring.

Love, C

Satria baja hitam's Dear Diary