Dear Diary, last week was ok, but I still dont feel that good. It's not like I feel terrible, but all the thoughts about dating are creeping back in. Once again feel like I lost all my chances. Next semester I will have to focus on my master thesis which will keep me occupied and after that I dont even know what will happen to me.
I tried searching for opportunities to meet people again, but it's just as hopeless as its always been + pandemic hard mode. There is nothing I can find that I truely want to go to. Almost everything is just sports and most cultural things are for older people. And every time I went to one of the more specific interesting things I could find in the past (theater group for example), everyone there was way more extroverted than me. Plus all the girls had boyfriends of course. I went to the theater group for 1,5 years same for the BDSM meeting. I made my own discord server to meet people but it didnt help either. Everybody from the US keeps recommending meetup.com, but I guess its way more active over there. Its mostly seminars about blockchain here. There is one boardgame meetup I could find but its covid restricted to 17 people with a lot of people waiting. And I went to one of those before Covid, it was just 40 year olds relaxing after work mostly. Nothing wrong with that, but its not gonna help me.
Time is slipping away and there is seemingly nothing I can do. Maybe it was the movie we watched at the Kurosawa tutorial last week. Its called Ikiru and its about an old office worker who gets diagnosed with unhealable cancer and has only 6 months to live. He realizes that he waisted his life working a boring job, but has no ideas what he can still do in this little time. First he tries drinking and meets a younger guy who shows him around nightlife. That doesnt do anything for him. Then he randomly meets a girl from his office that wants to quit and now works at a toy factory. At first they have fun hanging out together, but then she gets weirded out by him. Her being fulfilled by making toys for kids gives him an idea though. He uses his position in the administration to fight for a chuldrens playground to be built. And the he dies happy in that playground.
It reminded me of myself because I also tried going to bars and absolutely hated it there. And the thing with the girl reminded me of Belle. People at the tutorial criticized the girl as an unrealistic "manic pixie dream girl". I really dont understand the hate for that trope. First of all it totally can happen in real life so its not unrealistic. Then they say that its anti feminist because its a male fantasy, the girls only serves a purpose for the man and women cant identify with a mpdg. But a character doesnt need to be relatable to be good. I cant identify with a lot of characters but they are still well written. Also there is nothing wrong with male fantasies. The problem is that they are far too dominant in cinema compared to female and queer perspectives. But they still deserve to be shown.
And lastly the mpdg is a female character that actually acts on her own impulses so I dont understand why its supposed to be anti feminist. Sure its related to a guy but romance isnt something despicable either. I think that people dont like it BECAUSE its the girl that is more interesting and more active in these kind of movies. "How dare the guy be depressed, a loser or just kind of normal? He is supposed to be the one wooing the girl! She cant just be interested in him without him doing something!" This kind of gender reversal seems to make some people uncomfortable and then they try to maje it looks unfeminist by saying its just in service of guys. A girl choosing to hang out with/ romance a guy she likes seems pretty independent to me. There is also the fact that these characters are usually quirky of course and some people see that as unreasonably expectation for women or just see it as annoying. Personally I dont mind it, but I would also like to see active female characters that are not quirky.
One guy in the seminar even said that the girl in Ikiru was a flat character, when she was literally the second well developed character in the movie except for the MC. We knew about her motivations and her way of life and she has an arc in the movie where she grew bored of the mc. Compare that to the nightlife guy or the son of the MC who were really just one note. I just dont get these takes some people have.
Compared to me the guy in Ikiru already had a wife, although she was dead. And while I would like to do sth like he did with the playground I dont see how in the moment and it probably wouldnt help me find a girl. But I do remember the quote from HxH: Enjoy the little detours, because thats wherw you will find the things more important than what you want.
I will try at least.
Before that tutorial I had the lyric seminar. Not many people came, because we were talking about a long complicated text probably. But that girl was there, even though she never said anything. No suspicious behaviour from her either. I am pretty good at talking about texts like these though, so I talked a lot. Hope I didnt look weird.
On Thursday after the lecture some students complained to the professor about her presentation just containing quotes and pictures and no explanations. She wanted my opinion on it. I was careful, because I knew that she wouldnt agree with putting more explanations in. And its true that this is just how it usually is in university. So I wrote that I dont see anything wrong with the presentations but she could maybe compromise a bit, since things are already more difficult online. As expected she wont do anything different and complained about young people not learning how to understand difficult texts. Sounds like kids these days talk to me. But nobody can say I didnt try.
Good Bye!