Dear Diary, I've been thinking about what I said yesterday. How I just want to be able to casually hang out with a girl again, doesnt matter if shes my girlfriend or not. I really did a bad job with that so far. Back in school I should have been much bolder. Because at that time, the probability of it happening was a lot higher. Everyone was just living with their parents and coming over was normal as kids and teens. Maybe it would have even been possible with P, that girl I liked so much. But instead I tried to pretend I didnt like her, because I was a fool and too afraid.
I'm still a but afraid, but its much better. Only now its a lot more complicated. I had this daydream today about me hanging out with Knight playing Elden Ring. She is a big fan of From Software games, especially Blood Born. She beat Sekiro too. So she will probably get Elden Ring. But the chance of her asking me to come over is practically zero. I would be hapoy to just watch her play.
I actually saw her last monday for the first time in months. I did another Karaoke evening with people from my discord server. It was fun. A few new people were there and a few old ones. Its interesting to meet up with complete strangers, you only know through some text messages. We all thought one guy was a woman because his avatar is a girl and he calls himself violet. But he is an 18 year old guy with wild curly hair who wants to be a screen writer. Knight and her best friend were there too like I said. She was actually pretty agressive abput coming, considering how she usually is I mean. She does not post much on the server. But every time karaoke was mentioned she wrote almist immediately. Even though last time before Covid she didnt want to come. Maybe she wanted to see me, maybe maybe. We ended up singing the opening of Serial Experiments Lain together, which is actually a reall, good song for Karaoke. I found a good version with the full lyrics too. But not much else happened. We havent chatted since then either.
I feel another lockdown coming. My chances to actually achieve anthing this semester are dwindeling. Maybe I should talk to that girl I mentioned that kept looking at me. But I cant think of a way it would look natural. Should I say Hey were you at the test last semester? That would be weird. I could try to sit next to her, but then that other girl might feel disapointed. Probably not though. Well its all pretty hopeless.
Bye bye