[ENTRY 40..✍️]
This is the letter I wrote to my first crush, the very first love letter I've ever composed. And I was mistaken. I said in my 32nd entry that I was 15 when I wrote this but having looked at it again, I was actually 14 to be exact. To be honest, I'd be more glad had I been, I don't know.. at least 10 or 12 when I constructed this because the English is just a major embarrassment. I was so skeptical in regards to posting it because it's absolutely cringe. But whatever. I said I'm going to share it so I'm gonna go ahead and share it. Just fair warning, though: at fourteen, I had a mental age of a nine-year-old; and also, English is not my first language.
[Author's Note: The following content below is a literatim copy of the first love letter ever written by yours truly down from punctuation, capitalization, spelling to grammar. Words enclosed in parentheses are the writer's appalled commentaries recorded at the present time. Real names mentioned are thereby modified or omitted for the purpose of remaining anonymous.]
July
Sunday 1:15pm
Dear Don,
What's up with you, huh? Why am I still not over you? You've done a lot OFF-TURNER (...) things but why is it that I still like you? No matter what you do bad, or said, ur still the beat of my heart (tries to keep a serious face). I hate to say that I LIKE YOU! UGH! (really trying to keep a serious face)
It's been a really really long time since I started crushing on you. It was before I entered kindergarten, and now I'm already a Junior High School for cryin' out loud!
Yes, I was turned off, I guess two times, or three times... or MORE! That's because of your Arrogant Ego! (uhmm...) But what? Everytime I see you, my admiration for you always COME BACK! (facepalms) And I don't know why! I mean, ur one of the guys that's not my type... but I like you? Ugh!!! This is NUTS! (ok, calm down..) Why am I up to this anyway? Ur pictures in FB are sooo OFF-TURNER (this word again...), I have to admit that UR EVEN AN ADDICT I COULD SAY! (can no longer keep it, breaks out laughing) In ur photos, I could see alcoholic drinks, bad shots, and the WORSE??? ("worst", my love) I saw u SMOKING! Why can't I just accept the fact that U CHANGED A LOT?! THAT UR NOW A PSYCHO GUY? (psycho g—... what? the kid just smoked and drank.. the fuck was i on 😂)
U know what? I sometimes wonder if I really like u for real... cos I guess what makes me like you is the VISION of you in my imagination (hmmm)... OR FANTASY! (interesting...) There u'r perfect! U don't drink & smoke, ur super cute, and that all the girls like you... but, I couldn't put away ur ARROGANT Ego (stahhhp 😂) cos u'r really that type of a guy. Maybe, I only like you in my FANTASY! Yeah! That's it! (u go ghurl!)
But why was I shaking last night when I made a convo with u via FB chat? (via.. 😂 i mean, it's not wrong, but.. 😂) My heart beat so fast...
Maybe becos... I only like you in my fantasy! (yes, sweetheart, only in the fantasy)
WHAA!!! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!! UR DRIVING ME NUTS!!! I WANT U OUT OF MY MIND!!! (relax, relax.. you're not crazy about him now, ok?)
—[signed with my complete name and signature]
*drawing of a broken heart*
Okay.. Well, uhm. There you go :)
HAHAHAHAHA.
Off-turner. Arrogant ego. Psycho guy...
Bruh, I can't 😂 Like I said, English is not my native tongue, okay? HAHAHA. It was around those times my mom bought me "Dork Diaries" so my excessive use of capitalized words and exclamation marks was influenced by the juvenile book. I assure you, though, at 15, my English improved immensely because I started reading decent books and publishing fanfictions. Although my work those times were still cringe.. Bahhh.
It was quite a struggle unearthing that atrocious letter of mine because I had to climb my closet having secured it inside the highest cabinet. And it was hidden under a really heavy bag whose removal was a bitch in my balance that it almost succeeded in toppling me down. The bag contained old notebooks where I wrote crappy stories during my early adolescence. The missive was placed in a box and alongside it were the letters I received in highschool. Mostly birthday cards from classmates and friends. The ones that stand out the most are from Cara Dean's and Esther's. The rest are more like Valentine notes. Gosh. The innocence of those old days..
Having that letter found out was one of my biggest worries before because Don's family and mine are somewhat acquainted. Especially now that my younger sister and his younger sister are basically best of friends. I've considered burning it quite a few times but back then, I had this silly thought that perhaps, who knows, one day, he and I would somehow.. ahem.. "end up together" and once we're.. ahem.. "married", I'd show him that letter and it would be poetic.
("Off-turner, psycho guy.." Really poetic 😂)
Obviously, it was just an absurd infantile fantasy and in a thousand universes, I only see it happening in one and it's definitely not in this world. I'd still be damned if one of my sisters discovers that, though. I'd just make-up a story and say it's another Don. Although I'm honestly much more concerned about how they'd ridicule my angsty feelings and the fact that it was all expressed in an agonizing English..
Boh.
Anyway, reading that letter again made me realize that what I was going through those times, I still do now. I tend to idealise the guys I like. I might have forgotten it for quite a while but it really had me thinking about what I feel towards Chace.. What is this I even feel for him still? It seems as though I'm only holding onto the last remaining affection I have for him cos once they're gone, I'll have nothing.. I don't know. I'm not really hurt anymore but I still build up scenarios with him in my head cos who else am I going to imagine myself with? I mean, I do imagine myself with other guys but only on the account of Chace's presence. For some reason, he just always has to be there to give me more satisfaction. Ah, the pleasure gloating brings done so innocently when you know its effects on the person who rendered you somewhat vindictive. Too bad all of this only happens in my head because in real life, I absolutely have no one and nothing to gloat about. Besides, should I ever meet someone else, I fear all that's left of my feelings for him would be erased. And so would the interest and my fancy of making him regret things.
Next letters to be disclosed would be the ones for Patch, my first sex and apparently my "real love", as how I distinguished it to be. Ooh, I can assure you my ramblings there are no longer childish. Still cringe, but.. meh, I believed I was deeply hurt and in love, so ..
By the way, before I end this note, I'd like to add something related to my previous post.
Well, I finished reading "Crime & Punishment" yesterday and I was most astounded having read a passage that somewhat describes the situation of the world right now. It's as if Dostoyevsky predicted the current pandemic.. It's kind of chilly how this line is so on point:
"He dreamt that the world was condemned to a terrible new strange plague that had come to Europe from the depths of Asia."
Like.. Good sir, how'd you know?! Damn. There's no eradication of maladies, that's for sure, but stating where a new disease could possibly come from and being exactly right about it more than a hundred years later is somewhat mind-blowing.
I've started "Pride & Prejudice", finally, but it kind of bores me.. I'm not sure I like Jane Austen's way of writing. I'm probably still having a hangover from the last novel I was reading—which I greatly enjoyed—so perhaps the lack of enthusiasm I feel for the current book is just from the abrupt change of genre. I'll still finish it, though. I can assure it's certainly better than the previous romance novel I was reading and I even managed to finish that crap.
Dear me, my entries are so boring.
I'll stop talking now. See ya.
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