Dear Diary,
There is so much that I have learnt in few months of 2017. It seemed like I got the fruit of all my actions of ages in a short burst and though it was super painful and agonizing and debilitating, yet it was a new birth. I don't remember how it was different from what was before, but I remember that a lot of days were full of realizations that explained so much. The most significant memory that I have is of looking at the sky bleakly with the complete knowledge that this thing called life, devoid of all properties, good or bad, all sentimentalities and feelings has been ongoing for a time that is beyond comprehension and that, I, as some accumulation of memory has been caught up in it and there is no escape. And that all the things that I do are meaningless and that I have hurt people really bad for ages and lifetimes that I don't remember any more. That I have been violent and it was all very sorrowful but the finality of it made it impossible to feel anything about it. It was what it was and I stood there.
I have learnt a lot of small things as well, some of which are not so clear. For example I learnt something about that life is learnt forward but understood backward. I don't exactly know what it means anymore, but at that time it made perfect sense. Ah to think of it, I was at a point in my life where I could understand all of that which has happened before and hence it seemed like it.
Other thing that happened was the complete collapse of the dream world in which I was living since childhood. I always thought I was somebody special. I always thought that eventually I will become super rich and super successful. But then in those days, I woke up morning after morning with new revelations and all of them super scary and super truthful. I could see that people around me are growing old senselessly and they will die as senselessly as I will. That I am growing old too and none of the things that I was dreaming was real. That it was all a dreamworld and that I can't go back to sleeping.
I also learnt few things about being able to act in the present. I was thinking very very hard, what can I do to prevent the sorrowful destiny that I had. I was thinking that do I need to think and make plans to avoid it? Is it some things that I will do in future according to a plan that will change my future? I realized the only possibility of doing anything, whether it's lifting a finger or taking a step happens in the present time. Present is the only time when I can act and in present I can't carry a plan because plan is from the past and no matter how well thought it was it doesn't address the infinite and unfathomable configuration of the present in which I have to lift a finger or take a step. It has to be done "now", in this moment and only the action can bring about a change.
I also learnt the power or value or truth of letting the past go. What is over is over and actually one neither needs nor should think about it. Life is not what happened nor it is what will happen. Life is living while past is dead and so is future. The other side of the coin is not to think about the future at all. When days are really bad as they are during depression, one should just take a day at a time. It is not impossible to learn to spend 24 hours minus sleep time. Once you have learnt to spend that much time, and either lucky to have means to support you or a job that you can do even in that situation, it's not hard to cross the river of depression. The only tough thing is that one is afraid this sorrow will never end and the endless other mind games that the depression plays.
I also learnt that thinking is of no use. I would wake up in the morning super afraid and no matter how much I thought or rationalized, the fear wouldn't go away and I would just sleep till mid day and wake up even worst. But then with help of someone I learnt that if I jump out of the bed either on my own or by persuasion and go for brisk morning walk, the horror and anxiety quickly subsided and I became hopeful that I will be able to live through the day and my mind was washed of the terrible thought that was causing the anxiety and agony.
The learning happened in phases, first came the depression, then came the emptinessness and void and then the realization that I can fix my problems one by one and can live alright. Ever since then I have been able to fix few things in my personality and thinking and I am a transformed person. There were few strange things that used to happen before, like I used to suffer for months with anger and anguish and vengence against people who may or may not actually have wronged me, but I have just thought that they have. That thing is over now. The other thing is that I used to blame others but now I understand there is no body to be blamed and I need to understand and fix myself whenever there is a problem.
The most precious thing is that at times, I enter into a pleasant state of bliss where I become aware that I exist and this awareness is choiceless and boundless. There is nothing to think about it, it is something very strange. I exist. Wow.