Dear Diary,

there is this funny feeling I get when i don't do enough. I can't have just one job- I have to have 2. If I don't have both I'll be disappointed.

There is this gratifying thought I have when I tell myself to imagine how good it would sound being a 19 year old having 2 jobs and finally after a few months having created a business and a house of my own. It feels like a fantasy. It drives me to work my ass off. But the reality is, it's still a long way; i just really am impatient. I want some of it and I want it now. 

Patience is really hard to practice. I've never been patient with something I've always wanted. When I like how relationships go, I want them to go in a snap and we go to the next step. When I know I'm good at something, I totally believe at what I can do-- and I need to see or feel some gratification from that. This is how I want it to go, skip all the bad parts and just go, go, go. Snap, snap, snap one point to the other.

I can't quite comprehend why life isn't like this. Why I have to be stuck dealing with my own shit and other people's. As insensitive as it might seem, it's such a waste of time. 

Coincidentally, I've been watching clips about Beyoncé, her work, and how she does it. It's really admirable. It's like nothing is impossible- doesn't matter if you have sleep, you know what you want so you better do everything to get it.

If I push myself to the limit will I get there? If I push and push will I not break? It's scary and honestly I don't know how I do it. When it comes to work I just go on autopilot. 

The new project and my super ended up running smoothly the first time around. We never met before, yet it felt light and effortless. I have high hopes and I truly hope I get to finish this. It's 7 long months. 

On the other hand I'm contemplating whether or not the other job I got is legit. After 10 days of training we get to decide whether or not we want to continue. I want to give it up, but I'm indecisive. It has a huge offer however quite unrealistic. It involves revruitment so this might be one of those networking stuff and I don't want to be involved in that.

The thing is, if I gave that one up then I'll end up working only one job- and I don't think that's enough. I have a goal of earning at least 30k a month and I only get half of that with just one job. If I lose this networking thing, I have to find a better offer first. One that I know is guaranteed legit. 

I have a lot of doubts. I just hope it gets cleared as I progress through.