October 15, 2021 (MY ONE SIDED LOVE PROBLEM)


Dear future me,

well, from now i have shifted to online diary writing, i have been writing journals and diaries both digitally and on paper but writing it online gives just another kind of feel to me. well i have been a very extroverted guy in my childhood as i used to get good marks and was probably a nerd among my classmates plus my parents were also super proud of me, but one thing which was not good from the beginning were my looks and my demenour(if i spelled it right) i mean i was always the guy who made fun of others and was the most comic person in all the groups but at the same time i had some leadership qualities too. but definately not a guy liked by girls, girls always chose fair and good looking guys while i only got friendzoned. Some actually do liked me but was afraid in peer pressure of telling me. So i was mostly the last choice in being a boyfriend to any girl, well there was a girl that i liked the most from the beginning that means from Kintergarden she was in my class only and were friends and were in same group and she even knew that i liked her but never really responded well to me. Well maybe the reason that she was liked by most of the guys in my class, just that i was the most intelligent of all. We grew up and i almost grabbed all the chances to sit with her, play with her, impress her but nothing worked so far, she was still just my friend and then i did some mischieves which led her to dislike me properly. Yeah, i was literally finding a girl who could just be my girlfriend and you know do some relationship shit with me but so far nothing got my hand i thought because i dont look good this is happening to me, so i tried to attract them with my knowledge, i literally was a beast when it came to general knowledge and computers, so yeah again instead of impressing them i gave them inferiority complex, and after that period i became the most geeky student in my school but not the most girls popular, after moving to high school the image continued but this is time few girls got attracted to me but they were afraid to me to ask for relationship and yeah i can understand that bcoz of personality, it was the most rudest and egoistic person you copuld ever meet but i respected knowledge and never than gave girls a shit while rest of my friends already had a crush or a girlfriend, but internally i wanted those badly, i never really could understand why i want them, its just that i need some peoples favourite girls approval, well things passed by and all my crushes didnt liked me at all, i was respected but not liked, but when i came to class 10th i found the girl who will then become my longest crush and maybe the closest girl ever to me, she was already in a relationship back then but i didnt know i came to know that 3 years later, she used to sit with me for like 6 months and we laughed together, fought together, i answered teachers questions and literally all of them and she used to support me but i had a hint that she liked a boy who was in friend group only, well turns out they were both in a relationship for 3 years, and when we got in class 11th and i was literally madly in love with her, just waiting to see her, meet her, texting her, we used to send each other songs, i literally tried to forget her but i just couldnt, my whole class 11th was wasted in finding who was sitting with her, whom she liked in tuiton and all, we were good friends but we were not in same class and she was in the same section as that boys i mentioned so yeah i was so jealous i think the most jealoused period of my life, i literally did everything to impress her.

well after that corona hit the earth and we were to live in our houses even studies were online, so basically i wasted my whole 11th class and didnt studied at all, though i built a very strong personality in my class 11th, i had six pack abs, i was the class favourite and a little popular too in my school but at that time i really didnt care i just wanted her so badly, fast forward to class 12th i am now her best friend and she calls me everyday sometimes 8 times a day knowing that i like her, that was far more the best moments of my life as the girl who i wanted was calling me regularly and we were both studing together on calls and it was real good but the major problem was i again then stopped studying and just spent time talking to her, then she also told me she had a crush on someone in her tuitons and still was in relationship with that boy, so yeah my heart was broken but i still didnt lode the hope at all, even to this day when i am writing this i had talked to her as a friend, and beleive me i have downed my self esteem so much in front of her.

i now feel guilty now talking to her. well i am gonna tell all the background story in the next entry but for now i will stop talking to her and thats for sure, if she texts or calls me i ll not answer the calls just the texts but yeah  she has drained my energy so much but even though i had a great time with her, i had my most intimate moments with her only and i have learnt a lot from her that has helped me hugely, so she is not a evil girl or something she is just a normal cute girl and very pretty it is me who has to improve my this area of life and level up