September 26, 2021


Dear Diary,

Well well well!!! I wanted to have a love marriage, I wanted to be a cool person, I wanted to be rich, I wanted to be in a perfect shape. And here I am, being nothing , doing nothing. I don't have love in my life, love which was the topmost thing in my list. And then I am so naive still, it hurts me. I don't like being the innocent one. Yesterday I purchased a foundation, and after using it I found out that it is suitable for dusky skin, and I am fair. It was 1000rs. So, somehow I felt so bad that why everytime I have made my guard low, people just try to rip me off. I don't think he gave me the one which he showed me in the sample. It's their job right to give me something which is correct for my skin tone. 

So I cried, because that's what you get for being nice. I was so nice and sweet to them and purchased many things. And they will not care to give me the correct product. I realised it after using it, so I don't know if they will replace now. I will go to them today and return it even if I don't get it replaced. I am bad at fighting for myself. I can't demand things for me even though I have the right to do. Like I just am weird. I know myself, most probably I won't be able to say to them that replace it for me. Why am I like that. I kinda hate myself for it.

I usually look good without makeup and I am 27 and still don't know how to do makeup, and after watching bunch of YouTube videos I realised makeup can make hell lot of a difference. And then till last year I looked underage. I somehow liked it but it's not good if I think of dating someone. Even at 25, my ex was called a pedophile by his friend, and he is younger than me. Though I looked the youngest that time as I had short hair, I looked 16, or even younger than that, as the flight attendant asked me if I was above 15 during a flight. And then my ex used to tell me that I should apply makeup to look older as I look really young, not even 22. So, I am 27 but since a few months I do look more mature. I mean I look like 22-24 which is a good thing. So, in a way I look even more beautiful now. I think my maturity and age both happened very slow. I even had my first sexual thought at 22, it was about kissing and I liked it. It usually happens a lot before normally. So, I have purchased eye makeup kit and foundation. So I will learn makeup.