August 21, 2021


I feel anxious and tired and hungry. Tired never goes away, but I could fix the hunger if I got out of bed.

My sister, C, has been going to the doctor a lot lately. Her blood platelets are hella low. Normal is in the 100-thousands and last week she had 12,000 and yesterday, 8,000. Doctors are still looking into her bone marrow biopsy, but think she has PNH, Paroxysmal nocturnal hemoglobinuria. It's rare and life-threatening. Only 1-1.5 people in a million people have it and average life expectancy after diagnosis is about 10 years. She's 27. It's genetic, but not necessarily hereditary. I hope I don't have it as well. There is some sort of medicinal treatment for it, but if that doesn't work, she will need a bone marrow transplant and either of her sisters would be the first logical donors to look into. Our other sister has had some blood issues in the past, so I don't think she would be a good candidate. Plus C hates her. I'm still mad at C for forcing me to move out so that some people she barely knew could move into her house. 

I don't want to donate to her, but if I'm a match, I know I'll have to. Technically, I have a choice, but if I said no, I'd be lectured to no end by my dad and my mom would cry. 

I just really can't stand the idea of doctors sticking needles into my pelvic bone and extracting liquid (bone marrow). It makes me want to be physically sick. And it'll take, possibly, approximately 20 days to recover. Yikes, no thankies. 

She probably wouldn't even be grateful if I did donate my marrow to her. Might as well be a stranger donor. She doesn't give a fuck so why should I? 

Whatever. We'll see what happens. Good news, though, is that Da said he would be there with me the whole time, just like I've been there for him at the dentist. I appreciate that. 

Depression was hitting really hard the other day. I was honestly feeling kinda suicidal. How could I not want to kill myself after hearing my parents argue over playing fucking scrabble. My dad needs to grow the fuck up I swear to god. He will sit there and say mama is cheating or that he's so stupid because he can't come up with words and he gets so mad because he always draws letters that you can't make anything with. You literally can't be mad about that. It's supposed to be random. Sometimes he accuses mama of cheating and picking out letters instead of drawing them randomly. 

I don't know, I just felt awful that day. That day was Wednesday, actually, so the 18th. 

On the 19th, my parents brought J over and I felt so much better. Our house just has so much negative energy without him. 

Yesterday, J finally played out race car game for the first time in a while. He saw that I've unlocked several cars for him and he kept thanking me for it. It made me feel so good. All this time I've put into his Asphalt 9 account has been worth it. But I do regret putting some money into that game. Yikes. Oh well. The season pass is worth it though. 

I got to see Da for the first time without J being around on Tuesday, the 17th. We finally got to have sex for the first time in weeks. My period had ended 3-4 days prior, but after we finished and I started to clean up, I noticed I had bled, like quite a bit. I don't know why I bled. It's not like we had rough sex. I was super concerned and planned to ask my mom about it the next day, but after I woke up and used the bathroom, I didn't notice any blood so I just let it go. If it happens again, though, I'll talk to my mom and probably go to the doctor. 

I hope it wasn't anything to be worried about. I don't have time for that. 

J goes back to school Monday. I'm a bit afraid of how that'll go. He's been having a lot of attitude problems lately. He literally smacked me on the hand yesterday because he was frustrated and I had nothing to do with it. That shit hurt, too. It was like getting stung by a wasp again. 

My dad was looking at movies on Disney+ and he found Chicken Little and suggested that. J immediately said no because he was thinking about the movie Chicken Run, where the farmers buy a machine to turn chickens into pies. He's seen most of that movie, many months ago, but he had to stop towards the end because he saw the chickens about to go in the machine. If he had continued watching, like we've told him a thousand times, he would've seen that the chickens escape and don't turn into pies. But he refuses. Anyway, he thought Chicken Little was the same movie so he went on a rampage where he hit my dad's leg 4 times before smacking my hand. 

This boy needs therapy and anger management, but no one will listen to me. 

I can't remember when it happened, but it was earlier this week: my parents told me that when J was home riding a power wheels car, his little brother CJ wanted to ride, too, but J wouldn't stop to let him in. So CJ hung onto the back of the car while I drove it and dragged him behind. J was laughing the whole time. CJ had like road rash on his face and arms, I think. I don't know, I didn't see it and I was told this story secondhand. 

J needs therapy!!!!

I'm getting another tattoo Tuesday (24th) and I can't wait. I just hate that when I set up the appointment, the artist suggested 12pm and I am too complacent to fight that. I'd prefer at least an hour later tbh.

Speaking of, my grandma didn't notice my newest tattoo until Wednesday. I've had it for over a month. It's on my left shoulder and I always wear my PJs that show my shoulders while I'm at home. Over a month! Wow.

On Wednesday I gotta go with Da to the dentist again. I think this will be our last trip for a while. I hope he's less anxious this time.

I need to go to the dentist myself but money is an issue. I don't need to go as badly as he did, so it can wait a while. 

Ahh, that was a lot. I might try to take a nap now. If I can't sleep, I'll probably play animal crossing.