Dear Diary,
I'm scared to express my thoughts to anyone I know.
Freshman year someone reported me to the school counselor for cutting.
After that the counselor started monitoring the school laptop I used and she saw what I was looking at which was related to cutting. On both occasions my mother was contacted,
and although I was severely depressed at the time- the guidance counselor was still overly dramatic about the whole thing. She made my mom think I needed to be on suicide watch or something. The counselor never asked to see my arms, so I never told her which led to her telling my mom I wouldn't show her my arms as if I said no when she asked.
I would've as well, it had been long enough that the cuts healed a bit and blended in with the hair I had on my arms and my tannish skin, plus she would've expected them to be on my bare wrists so showing her them probably would've been enough.
My mom told me I needed to tell the counselor I was okay, so within the next couple days I started contemplating doing so. I waited till I really didn't wanna be in class so I had an excuse to get out. I purposely rolled my sleeves up on my way there because I knew she was going to want to see my wrists if I finally wanted to get passed this.
Counselors thinking you have depression causes a lot of problems that are worth lying about to avoid.
To be fair, I was the dumb one that was cutting in the middle of history class, I don't know who but it was someone in that class that reported me. I wish I knew who but that fake ass excuse counselor would never tell me. Pressuring those with depression only pushes them closer to the edge so don't fuckin do it. Everyone that made an effort only exposed how fake they were, how much they didn't really care and only tried so they didn't feel guilty. If you don't relate, if you don't understand, if you don't know wtf you're talking about then its just best to stfu before you make it worse.
Suicidal thoughts, something I've dealt with for a long time.
My girlfriend is as well, she said not to be mad and asked if its bad she still thinks about suicide everyday. I told her I did too, I wanted to let her know I understand and I'm here for her. She shifted her concerns towards me, got upset and sad that I wasn't feeling as I should. That's the thing though, we'll never be normal. The things in our lives have scarred us permanently and there isn't anything we can really do about it but work through it.
I no longer live in the hell I once did. I still hate living here and am moving out as soon as I can but it's better than what I used to live with. My gf however it still stuck with her ever so abusive adoptive grandparents and there's nothing she can do about it. Her Grandma (gma) pretends like there's anything worth staying for, and like she'd just let her walk right out the door and never come back but its obvious she'll just use the legality of it against her and probably call the cops or something. I don't know how she can stand to live there anymore. Years ago she tried running away multiple times, failed and got brutely punished for it. She's older now though, her words have more meaning, people will more likely believe her cries for helps, and it'd be easier at this point not to get caught by the cops. I would've left by now, I'd rather live on the streets than be stuck with that witch of a "parent".
I feel so bad for her, she can't leave, not unless she gets kicked out. She said if her gma finds out that she isn't a virgin that she'd kick her out, If I was in her position I'd tell her straight up and gladly walk my ass out that door because if what she said is true: she won't do shit about it bc she was gonna kick me out anyways right?
There's 357 days till she's 18, whether she moves in with me or her aunt, she's finally gonna be able to get out of that hell hole. Sometimes I'm tempted to ask her if she wants to run away together, I know she'd say no but just on the off chance that she would, it makes me want to ask because I'd do anything to get her out of there.
Waiting it out maybe could be the best thing, idk.