Dear Diary,
Since she got her phone taken, she's found an alternative way to communicate till school starts back up. A laptop that her mom never touches, "covered in dust" she said. She brought it up to her room and we talk often through out the day when she can. However like all the devices she's ever able to use, it has a parental timer on it that forces it to turn off at 3pm.
After we facetimed for a while, she said it was time for her to go. 3pm came fast even though we had been talking since 7am this morning. I knew I was going to be bored after she left so I loaded up a movie sight and started a movie to watch. Something was bugging me though and although I tried to avoid it because of the possible relapse of the addiction, I had to live up to my part of the promise and so I did.
A year ago me and my girlfriend made a pact. If she cuts, I cut. If I cut, she cuts.
We made it for motivation not to cut because we both had problems with it and we loved each other enough not to hurt ourselves because we didn't want the other in pain.
After our current relationship issue, after she cheated... I took her back. I love her too much not to but then she took it upon herself to punish herself as if it's something I would've wanted. "I'll punish myself, promise". She stopped texting for a few moments and came back and said it was too late not to after I had begged her not to because I knew what she was going to do. She cut her legs, she said she forgot it wasn't only just for wrists but I know I'd never agree to just a single part of her. I wanted our love protecting her entire body.
She tried to say "Oh? I thought it was only just for wrists. Okay from now on its our entire body". I'm not sure if she actually thought that or not but regardless I remember the pact and she cut, so I had to as well.
After she had to go at 3pm, I wanted to start my movie but I couldn't yet because I was too distracted by the fact that I hadn't cut yet. I was scared of relapsing and didn't wanna get dragged back into it, resulting in both of us in pain. Regardless it had been
enough days and so I grabbed my pocket knife, the one my sister had gifted to me for my 17th birthday and I started the lines over my old scars.
I didn't know how many cuts she made on herself so I just did as many till it felt payed back. Roughly 31 I counted just now, and it was hard to stop there.
Like all addictions- after you stop once, it's extremely dangerous to try it again
and risk getting dragged back into it. I wanted to do more, I shouldn't have done so many as it is. After I cleaned up a bit, put my knife and shorts back on, got my blanket back over me and hit play on the movie I could finally watch with a clear mind... the pain started feeling really really good. I wanted more, it felt uneven as well so I wanted to cut my other leg because the first 31 was on my right leg.
The pain burned, it felt hot and it stung but that's what feels good to me, I considered pouring alcohol on them so they burned even more. I enjoy the pain which is why I often sneakily damage part of me to feel pain through out the day.
Biting on the skin around my finger nails till it stings, slicing the top of my thumb with my pointer finger (both on the same hand), biting the inside of my cheeks, etc...
I can't honestly say I ever really dropped the addiction because of all the little doses of it I've been giving myself through the things I just mentioned so it's been enough so I wasn't so tempted to cut as much instead. This was a close call for me though, I wanted more than I had to do and it could've snatched me back into the addiction.
Glad I didn't. I wish I could tell my girlfriend, I enjoy showing her the parts of me I've kept hidden for so long from everyone. I've never trusted anyone enough to tell them things like this, I trust her but I just don't want her to feel bad, to blame herself which would result in more pain for the both of us.