Dear Diary,
I havent written in a long time. My hands and fingers have been troubling me. I worry about the future with the way my fingers are giving up now. It's gotten much better since the last the couple months. but not completely healed. hoping for miracles...:|
life seems to be flashing by at light speed these days. i'm struggling to play catch up. until a couple months ago, I was begging for every second to pass. now i cant keep count of the things i have to get done every day.
sometimes i feel like there is a dark bottomless pit in my heart and no matter how much i try to take a peek inside, i just cant make out anything from the dark. life's problems havent gone away, in fact life has gone from bad to worse for the very little things in life that i actually cared about.
Sometimes i feel like i'm using my ticket to grad school as a way to run away from all those failures of life, most importantly our failure as a family. Sometimes i wonder I should stay back and continue to try to fix everything.
But nothings changed. nothing's fucking changed. And i cant spend any more time trying to fix things that I cant fix with the options i have now . So I have made up my mind to leave.
I am eternally thankful to have the most selfless mother in the world. She basically handed me a big wallet and asked me to run away, go find your freedom, make your own life. She loves me enough to let me go. And as I look back as I walk away, I see nothing's changing for her, life's still going to be the same circle of events for her till the end. None of those she asked for, but she'll have to live with anyway till the end.
Surely all of this has to mean something? Why some souls are destined to have another chance and some arent.
Everyday I tell myself, make it count. Make it count for yourself, and for all the others who count on you. It's scary because it's a lonely journey. But that's why it's also exciting. Because at the end of day, I get to own all my failures and successes.
Some where along the way, I would like to have a decent job, own a nice house with a beautiful garden where I'll grow my own fruits and veggies. I'll have 2 dogs, maybe share a couple of kids with someone (if I can find someone that I think I could tolerate for a lifetime :P) I will also have nice neighbors who are warm and friendly ( definitely not the types who complain all the time).
It is a giant fucking torrent in the head until you make a decision, so much uncertainty, giddyness and hopelessness.. But gosh it feels so much calmer once you make up your mind and cross the road.
For now, I'm ready to look ahead.
XOXO,
M