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Dear Diary,
Hi!
Where to start.
It was budhdha purnima yesterday. Lately I have been working a lot, often late in nights, I managed to reduce my sleep time to 6hrs avg. I wanted to do it, I want to work more, and I think I am making some progress, I am able to clear many tasks off my list. I do not have a long list of things I wanted to learn, I have learnt many thing now. Ai, mongodb, Kafka, redis, timeseries, golang, rtos all these things which looked so heavy earlier Doesn't seem difficult now.
But I looked at the budhdha idol on my table and I knew that I have lost that peace, that calm, noh noh, it's not that I am going crazy or have frustration about the work.. it's just that there used to be a stillness in me despite everything. I miss that Still ess.
I tried to meditate few times in last few days, but I couldn't focus at all, I felt like I have slipped back a lot. Everytime I sit, all the thoughts come rushing.
When we were at Vipassana, in the initial few days my mind was restless, but every though came up one by one and after 4-5 days I had less to think about.
I think I need something like that again, things need to come up and then disappear.
What are the thoughts keeping my mind restless these days.
Company
I don't want to be here forever. There are other things I want to do, I can do them only now, but staying here I won't be able to do.
Plus my everyday conflicts with sandeep is making it worse. I keep getting the feeling that we may be able to do some business, but we'll never become an Organization. I have tried few things to unite people and do something but it didn't work very well.
Leaving the company is hard, I think of all the lives it will affect. Specially Kishore and Vijay, Ashik.
I don't know what to do. There is no definitive path, meera says I am thinking about others but not myself. It's right. But it's also true that I am who I am, I am not the kind of person who can hurt others for self interest.
Everyday, this thing is building more endurance in me. It hurts, I fight with myself, and in the night I tell myself to let go for one more day.
Her
I miss her every day, I don't know if she does or not. It happens to me, Whenever we don't talk for too long I go into this silent mode, I work more and try to think less. When I think, I think about why hasn't she called, who does she shares her life stuff with, doesn't she feel like sharing songs, pictures, books with me like I feel. Does she care about me. Then suddenly I would start thinking if she ever cared about me, was it a mistake since beginning. But then I know that it isn't. I know that. So many good things in my life exsists only because of her, when I have trouble sleeping, I close my eyes and think of hampta pass, I think of college days. It's my happy place.
If it's all god's plan, then whatever it is, it must be working alright.
I think about it, that what it is, why do I miss her, why do I feel what I feel, I don't get a reason but I get a feeling, it's reasoning without words.
Ayway, I also think, what if she is not alright. But every time I worried about her, she was doing good.
I could have called her, but I don't want to for Sometime. I read hamim sumon, he said something about importance of distance.
Ayway I am in love with her, I always will be, and it's only a good thing I know.
Life
I am getting a little mature (I think). Death for me was a very big thing, whole my life I thought about dad, missed him, I thought how one person's death can affect so much and maybe if I have to relive such an event, I would probably die too.
But now a days, I think it is ok, life goes on, none of know why we are here, all the things we plan or wished don't have to happen. Life's course will change but we anyway we are here only to live with what we have been given.
Ohk
Enough of me blabbering..
Later!