Dear Diary,
we didn't open the food cart today, I guess my mother didn't feel like it was a good time for her. I tried pushing her to do so but all i got were excuses like alright or okay.
in my last entry I stated that my mom lost her job and now we only have the food cart to support us both. An hour ago, my older cousin chatted and asked how my mom was doing and whether or not she's taking her maintenance. Recently my mom fell a bit ill. So I told her she doesn't take her vitamins and meds but we're trying to monitor whether or not she won't feel well again after recovering just recently.
I wondered why she would ask these things so suddenly. She told me that my mom talked to her saying that she's getting thinner and thinner and that she might die. It was surprising to me, since I knew she was worrying about something but she never mentioned this. Even though I was surprised I grew worried too.
My older cousin asked me what my plans were- whether to go to college or find a job. I told her I wanted to go to college as I promised myself if I didn't go to college this year I might never go to college ever; if I had a permanent job right now I might not have the chance of going back to school. So I think to myself, is going to college not a good idea? Should I re-evaluate it again like the million times I had before, is it not the right decision given the circumstances?
how selfish is too selfish, really?
I told her my mom is probably just stressed out a lot that's why she had this existential crisis. We just talked about her health and taking care of herself the other day, but it doesn't feel like she has the drive to actually put effort into putting herself as her first priority, and honestly that's the hardest thing for me. How can I help her if she doesn't look like she wants to help herself? Somehow I feel obligated to do at least 80 or 90 percent of what she does in the food cart- not that it's a bad thing.
But I feel defeated. I know that the only thing I should be worrying about right now is myself, or the next 5 to 10 years probably. I should have sensed that my mom is slowly thinking about her weakened and old state unlike when she was younger, but the sad thing is not only does she acknowledge it, she embraces it like this is it, I've lived a good life, now i am old and im just waiting for my time.
She's just turning 50. While that seems old, that's not too old. I think if she wanted to she can still change her lifestyle a bit for the better.
Right now, I can't seem to imagine whether or not she'd want to be there to stay until I actually get to graduate college, or find the love of my life (get married or not, whatever). I usually am the pessimistic one, but knowing that I suck at comforting people, I have no idea how to lift her up from her troubles and that makes me most blue.