March 21, 2021

I started off on another diary site but realized that it wasn't free after 1 month, so I am continuing here. These were my previous entries from Feb 25 until today:

I had to create a diary because I am so obsessed with food, I want to just talk to someone constantly about it. I started throwing up what I ate only a few weeks ago, but it really took over my life fast. I hadn’t meant it to, but even my thoughts have changed about myself. My thoughts are darker. I started hating myself and wanting to hurt myself, but not suicide, just ways to hurt my body. I only started with throwing up something I ate, and now I’m obsessed with food. I have food everywhere- in my bedroom, my locker at work, my car. I keep it by me when I work. I organize my food. I love having food around me, not even for a binge but just having it around like keeps me safe. And when I don’t eat it and I just look at it then I feel like I’m stronger. I control what I eat and that it comes back out. I like eating the same thing each day. If I’m off work, I have a bouillon soup cube for breakfast, and I’ve just thrown that up once. Then I drink kombucha for lunch and keep that down. If I feel like I need to, I’ll eat something during the day to throw it up. I always throw up dinner. I’ll eat anything for dinner. But I’ve gotten myself in trouble where a few times I couldn’t throw the dinner up so I just had to exercise. Hate myself so much when that happens. At work I like to eat hummus and marshmallows and throw it up. I always throw up at work. I started getting a little dehydrated so I make sure to drink a lot of water afterwards now. I wish I could drink the juice I used to like but I don’t know why but I have to throw it up also. So I just stopped drinking it since it hurts coming up.

In the back of my mind, I know that this is wrong and unhealthy. I don’t want to stop though even though I hate parts of this, like my thoughts of hating/wanting to hurt myself. I’m losing weight, but my body doesn’t look thinner, it looks fatter than when I was heavier. I hate how clothes look on me. I’m not happy like I used to be. But there’s something really driving me to do this. This is surrounding me like armor. I guess it would be considered bulimia. I never wanted to be bulimic but I am throwing up. Right now I wish I could stop even though I just wrote I don’t want to! What’s wrong with me???

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I started taking laxatives. That’s gross. I’m so obsessed with this. I had to go get my hair fixed today, and all during it I was thinking about food and planning my purges.

I work this weekend. No one there knows except one person, and no one anywhere else knows. I trust her and she’s one of my favorite persons, so I told her because it was scaring me a little bit that I was doing this. She said I should get help, but it’s too hard to talk to a therapist/stranger. I’d maybe talk to one psychiatrist that I know, but not yet. I want to be perfect at work, and do my job organized and not be behind or say the wrong things. I’m so far from perfect and I get frustrated I’m not better. I love my job though, and I’m so thankful that I get along with everyone I work with. I don’t think anyone really has any major issues or problem with me even though I’m inadequate. I wish everyone liked me though. I am the weakest link at work, but I think I’m slowly getting better.

Anyway I don’t know why I need to throw up some things that have so little calories. For breakfast I had a bouillon soup cube and oatmilk yogurt. Total calories were about 150. But I didn’t like it inside me so I had to get rid of it. I didn’t eat anything else today. I’m drinking my kombucha and it’s getting close to dinner. I should be studying for my class but I’m obsessing over this. It’s been harder to concentrate on class, I lost a little passion for it, but I want it back.

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I had a few busy days at work. I feel so dumb at work. I’m always behind and asking for help with how to do something. Even the secretary took off on a day I’m supposed to be in charge because she knows it will be awful. I keep thinking I’ll get better, but I haven’t made any progress. I love my job, I just wish I wasn’t bad.

I don’t binge in large amounts at work but I do throw up. I started throwing up just sugar and water when I have to do it. I still can’t figure out if I like this or if I hate it, but I keep doing it so it must make me feel better. When my throat is aching and burning, and I’ve controlled whatever is inside me, on the outside I feel like I’m one step closer to being what I want to be while on the inside I’m doing away with everything wrong with me. What will be left won’t be me anymore. I like to think that this eating problem is taking over me and will completely. I don’t know why though.

Anyway the last 3 days I had huge binges. I hate that word. Binges. So disgusting. I went to the grocery store and just bought whatever I thought would be good to throw up and some things that hurt to throw up, to just to say f you I could and don’t care and will feel the pain. I haven’t eaten everything though, I stored a lot neatly around me. I can’t identify my emotions really good sometimes. Like I can’t say how I feel when I binge besides thinking about how I hate myself. I’m not sure why exactly I’m doing this. I don’t know if writing this all in a diary is helpful or not because sometimes when I write this down I feel worse about myself.

So I guess I should talk about suicide. I wouldn’t kill myself but I think about it. I know how I would do it if I was going to, but I don’t want to. I hate myself. What’s wrong with me? I really used to be happy.

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I’ve read that most bulimics are average weight or above average. I’m not sure how other bulimics eat, but I don’t eat 3 normal meals a day and binge/purge other times. Certain things I eat I’ll just want to throw up. It doesn’t matter how many calories are in something or how much I eat. If I feel like I have to get rid of it, I will. Other times I’ll eat to throw up when I’m feeling bad I think. I’m just trying to think about when and why I do this and identify any pattern.

So I noticed clothes getting baggy on me and each day I weigh myself I lose more weight. People say I’m thin, but I don’t believe them when I look in the mirror. But I love running my fingers over my ribs, thighs or shoulders and feeling a lack of fat over the bony areas. But it’s weird that the more weight I lose, the fatter I look in the mirror.

Anyway I didn’t buy more food today but I did eat and throw up once. My throat hurts and I feel alone. I’m texting with one of my friends right now but still obsessing over bulimia. I want to be stricter in what I eat. Like I need to control this more. I need to schedule when I drink a glass of water, when I eat food, when I will throw up. Not at random times and from feelings.

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I watched a youtube today called The Morning After I Killed Myself, which had me in tears. Not that I would kill myself, but I keep wishing I was dead. I went to the grocery store again today, and felt so anxious with all that food around me. I limited my binge this time to healthy food which is stupid since I just make myself sick anyway. But that’s what I did, so I ended up getting brown rice, eggs, a cooked chicken, and 4 loaves of carb-free bread. (I’m saving 1 loaf for tomorrow if needed). All the bad feelings I have are released after I throw up, but then I always end up hating myself again. I don’t think I can stop. How do people live years like this? I’m such a baby.

Oh and I gained 2 lbs. How did that happen?? I was so angry at myself. I did eat cauliflower and an orange yesterday without purging it, how can that cause a 2 lb weight gain though. Probably just body fluctuations but still I just felt like I was so fat.

My coworker called me anorexic yesterday. I now know that I can’t say anything about my weight anymore or what I eat or don’t eat. It surprised me so many people who see me say I’m not fat if I say that I am. At first I thought they were saying it to be polite, but now I think they really think that and maybe I’ve been sounding crazy to talk about how I want to be thin. My thoughts are obsessed with wanting to be thin and with food so I guess I just opened my mouth too much. I have to play it right now so no one gets suspicious because I really hate to be talked about behind my back, even if it’s just a little bit. My other job was like that, only they talked about me a lot and made fun of me openly to my face. I want to be perfect here at this job.

I wish I was anorexic instead of bulimic (if I really am bulimic). I want my bones to be visible everywhere. I want my shoulder blades to stick out more, I want my hips to be just bones.

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It’s been a while since I’ve had free time at work, but I had some time today so I went into a patient’s room who had been combative with the techs. One of the techs said he wouldn’t or couldn’t eat and left with the food tray next to him. I put the tray in front of him and fed him small bites. He’s 90 years old and confused. A lot of silence went by because he took forever to chew each bite and I just didn’t feel like talking. I watched to make sure he swallowed and didn’t pocket any food in his mouth. Then after about 30 minutes, he put his hand on my arm and said “you do it right, thank you”. When he said no more food, I left and wasn’t able to get back into his room again because he wasn’t my patient and I got busy with my own patients. I think his thank you meant more to me than anyone’s has in a while.

I hadn’t eaten since yesterday afternoon, which was a small piece of cake that I immediately threw up. I used a toothbrush that time to get myself sick. It was so much easier than my fingers. Tonite I ate stuffed peppers, but that hurt to throw up. Fruit hurts also, so maybe it was the peppers, maybe too acidic and it took forever to come up. I feel like eating more just so I can get something out again.

I felt sad most of the day until I fed the man. But I’m sad again now.

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I’ve been trying not to throw up, but then there’s only so much I can eat. Yesterday I only had a bouillon cube so 35 calories. Today I just ate part of a turkey burger (no bun) and I’m trying not to throw this up. But the break room at work is FILLED with food from family members. I could just eat all of this, there’s 3 cakes, a cookie platter, French fries, large soft pretzels. I could devour all of this right here easily. I wouldn’t because it’s not just for me but I want to eat a cookie, but all it would take is one cookie and I’d go throw it up. This turkey burger is sitting in my stomach. I want to get rid of it. This is stupid why should I even bother trying I know I’ll end up failing. I feel so alone. I want to say to someone “just stop me from eating more so I don’t go throw up” but I can’t. I’m not their responsibility anyway. But I’m sitting here in the break room alone with a turkey burger in my stomach and surrounded by food. That turkey burger was probably around 200-300 calories. So I take a sip of water instead of going for the cookie. If I can hold off just a little longer my lunch break will be over and I won’t have time to eat and throw up. Just a little longer. Another sip of water. This cookie platter is so large. Nice jelly cookies. I can make it I think. OMG but I really want to throw up!!!!!!!! There’s a packet of butter. I can eat that and throw it up. I want to hit something, like myself. Another sip of water. One of my patients arrived. This is good, I’ll get busy soon. I’m just going to look at this one cookie. I want to just go to the store and buy all the food and go home and binge/purge. This turkey burger is feeling gross inside me. All I need is just one cookie and I’ll go throw it all up. Can I walk away from this and not go throw up? The turkey burger is making me fat already, it’s already digesting. I can’t do this! I have 7 more minutes. I can just shove this food in. One cookie then I’ll throw up. Ok I’ll just not eat this. Nothing to eat today except the turkey burger.

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