March 18, 2021

Dear Diary,

Another day...I dreamt about him last night...it was so vivid.  I remember feeling the hairs on his arms, he pulled me into his embrace and he did this thing he always use to do he would smell my hair and skin...He use to say how he loved the way I smelled...  He kissed my forehead and he told me everything was going to be okay....

I know his life is falling apart he needs to rebuild relationships with his kids, have therapy with his wife but I can’t help but miss him and his friendship at the very least.

There was one place he did not block me and I was able to message there and get my frustrations out...he would open the messages...it made me feel like maybe he needed time to just talk to me again so he can address the hurt he caused me too but he blocked me there later when I checked...My heart is broken.

I had a full bloodwork up done at my dr... I was on birth control and this method always worked for me...however his wife informed me she got pregnant by him while also on birth control...Apparently he is very fertile..

It is too soon to tell but my dr has me scheduled for a test on the 6th...it feels like a life time.  Since he blocked me everywhere I can’t even talk to him about this...I’m completely and utterly alone...I’m suicidal.. I’ve been medicating mostly to be able to sleep but a part of me has had the thought of not even wanting to wake up.... each time I do it crosses my mind that this time might be it...maybe I won’t see morning come.

I hate how deep I feel for him...I hate how much I still care about him...I do want him happy I do want it to work with his family. But i’m utterly broken and so deeply shattered that I don’t even know how to fix myself....

He crawled into every dark crevice of my soul and he lingers there.  Even if I try and strike up a conversation with someone else I can’t help but compare.  I can’t help but feel him in my mind... I so deeply miss him.  

...I don’t know how much more I can possibly take...