Dear Diary,
I'll just quickly write few things. Give or take this week, or maybe the past two weeks have been somewhat low.
Essentially, not because of work, but i think there is this sense of being alone, i am feeling little lonely, its true.
I went to mall and carelessly i was wandering around in stores and watching prices of everything, not caring about what the shop guy is thinking about me.. And i bought tacos for myself, parcel. For eating alone. You know.
I had a feeling that everyone were watching me and i did not care, but i think in real no one was.
Then one night i cried a little, just very little. Wanting the night to just pass. So i can be happy again tmrw. I know what i was missing, and lately i think i am realizing that, i have to let go. Not because people keep telling me, but i think that's the way forward/ or maybe destiny has something else planned for me.
I realize that letting go isn't too difficult also for me, i have a tendency to forget things. But it's just that we have attached ourselves so rigidly with few things, that we do not want to let go... Do you get it ? We keep believing that its just a phase, just the test of my strength, and that everything is going to be difficult, but maybe this is the thing. And then we think of all the signs destiny has given us, leading to this point...
But are they all, including the signs now are just our own made up signs. Is it true that We only see what we want to see ?
Then today i think i was just caving in a little. I was thinking maybe i should just get married with girls my folks are suggesting, you know...
I was getting a little fear, that today atleast there are people who want to give their daughters to me, tmrw i may not even be a stock in the market, once i lose all my hairs, which i think is on an expressway already. I was thinking that maybe its not that bad of an idea, everyone got married, even elon musk, steve jobs, everyone, they had kids too. And maybe i'll fall in love with this new someone too, its not so difficult to love someone, is it ? And today i like to think that maybe i'll be okay, even if i never got married, but what if someday i felt just too alone, i wont be able to do anything else but regret.
And then i also know some happy couples who got married like this. I think it's great to have partners always. There is very little point in living alone.
I was reimagining me going to my home in the mountains, or to the Everest base camp etc, and i felt this thing, that, not only that i won't enjoy it, but there is not even a point in doing these things alone.
But then i also want to believe that i am different, i won't marry someone, just because i am scared of the future, that would be a wrong reason. Maybe i can just live my life with the memories and the love i have in my heart with gratitude and maybe devote my life in helping people as long as i can, after all, i care about that. Mom lived her life without dad(I am sure, whatever i am feeling, its nothing compared to what she has survived through).
Or maybe I can try this, and maybe give it a chance. Maybe all the life goals can still be achieved with someone on the side and maybe even better together. That maybe this is what destiny has for me, I don't know the grand plan anyway. We just have to try and do something.
I have always believed, that, happiness is a choice of life. We can choose to live happily, or not happy. Either way is good. I want to live happily. I think I just have to ask for the alternate path from destiny.
I know at the cosmos level, all of this, my tiny tiny feelings in my tiny tiny heart probably has not much sense, but i have faith, that he who has planned everything, has planned for me too. And whatever it is, it is good. Because it's all for the good in the end...