9th January 2016
Dear Jay,
I hope my letter finds you well. I’ve decided to write to you to seek some advice because I’ve always found your writing to be exceptionally reflective, and feel this might be the best possible way of knowing what I should do. And I thought it need be typed, since then you’d be able to read it and I thought it would make more sense to be delivered by email than by post for a change.
Let me begin by saying I have a wonderful friend, who came into my life a few months back, and had such a huge impact on me.
He helped me to know myself within a maze of confusion and, having found who I ought myself to be, that I may be able to accept that. Besides the fact that he is a beautiful person and, when I’m in his presence all the troubles and worries in my life just seem to disappear, even hearing from him brightens my days.
It’s not surprising, then, that I care for him deeply, and though his care for me is very different…I have always felt that we both gain from knowing each other, seeing another and being part of each other’s lives.
He does, I know, find my deep care challenging at times, especially when we are apart. He has on occasion explained this in a number of ways: sometimes he just says that he can’t understand why I should care as I do – but that’s because he sometimes lacks confidence, and doesn’t see the wonderfully beautiful man that I see – and I guess when he does, he’ll realize why I would feel this way…
On other occasions, he finds it difficult because he seems to feel bad for me; that he cannot return the same feelings, and he worries that at some stage I might get hurt, presumably when he meets someone he cares more deeply for and wants to share the rest of his life with. I’ve tried explaining lots of times that I don’t want, nor need, him to feel the same way as I do, and that I just feel as I do presently because it’s the reality and can deal with the future whenever it happens.
I’m under no illusions; you see, he’s a lot younger than me and has his life to live…sooner or later he’ll find someone that he cares about and who cares about him, and they’ll settle down together – as he should – and I very much want that happiness for him!
But in the mean time I thought we could just enjoy each other’s company and friendship, and in time hopefully our friendship would sustain us and we would always have a part in the other’s life.
Anyhow, this debate arises regularly and usually whenever we meet we’re able to find ways to reassure each other; that we are OK with how things are…
One of the constant issues is the level of contact between us.
I guess it would be fair to say that my care for him and the positive experiences I get from being in contact with him means that I ask for more of his time than he likes to give, and this can be frustrating for both of us.
We recently discussed this and he suggested that he understand maybe I did need more of his time and we agreed that he would try to do so, and that we would also agree (in advance) when we’d meet, so that it wouldn’t change as it has sometimes done in the past… Things seemed to have gone well – but then we had that stupid argument; over what I should or shouldn’t know about his life, and how I felt that if he needed to have things he couldn’t tell me then this said something about his trust in me.
In the end, it was clear we just have a different point of view, as we do in many things, but the argument upset him a lot.
Furthermore, the result of the row was that he was annoyed at me and refused to meet me when I wanted to talk it over. One of the things he said was that he didn’t want to see me because when he does I don’t let him speak or listen to him, and that he just agrees with me sometimes because I hug him and make him feel guilty. I was really upset at that because I care about him a lot and I’d hate to think he couldn’t be honest with me all the time about how he felt or was unable to say what he wanted.
Well, that was all a few weeks ago and we should have been catching up this weekend, but he said no. Maybe next week, but I explained that I can’t go then because of family commitments so he has now said maybe we can meet in two weeks’ time instead. Nothing certain, just a maybe for now…
So, Jay, I’m seeking your advice. At this stage I don’t know if he is refusing to meet me as some kind of punishment for what he said was my “silent treatment” or if he really doesn’t want to see me at all anymore, or if he just needs time. He has kind of said before that he sometimes meets me because he feels bad but really doesn’t want to see me at all, but if there’s nothing positive for him in our meetings then I’d rather he didn’t see me at all – he’s a lot going on in his life and the last thing he needs is me as another burden if that’s what I am. He did say he put up meeting because he said I was too tense, but I can’t change who I am. Trouble is, we can’t seem to talk about this stuff via text because we both misinterpret what’s being said and we can’t talk about it face to face because he doesn’t want to hook up.
When we are together I feel that we have a good time, and he seems relaxed and enjoys himself as much as me; we’ve even gone off on a holiday together for a few days and we both seemed to have a really good time…
I have been in touch with him recently but each time I get the impression that he’s very stand-offish and dismissive, and seems to find negative in everything I say. As you can see, I’m kind of lost and confused.
Should I keep trying to work on the relationship we have and risk hating each other, or should I give up and walk away – knowing he’s probably better off without my interfering? Your reflective advice would be greatly received.
Your friend, James.
Sunday, 10th January 2016
Dearest Friend,
Reading James’s beautifully written letter last night in bed was very heartfelt, and each sentence he wrote I could connect with the confessed feelings as though he were seated across from me saying it.
You’ll probably dispute and suggest me pitiful for not jumping with a response, instantaneously. I didn’t reply because I first wanted to breathe in what he’s saying out of love and care, and exhale out all the negative doubts in order to see the light of things.
Maybe it’s cynical of me, too, that I always see the worst possible results, and keep visualizing me failing James.
I keep seeing that heartbroken look before my eyes; it’s as clear of a mental imagine as a clear day… I’m a cold-hearted monster, I feel, and too much of a coward to face my weakness!
If only James could see this as true and leave me be.
His intensity has indeed been very challenging and gives me the shakes – this is when I feel most vulnerable and lack that feeling of being “safe and sound,” and I say it this way because my body revolts from uncertain confrontations; they could be healthy happenings that any person could process, but some subconscious part of me is defiant about feeling unsafe. And it sounds horrible to use the word unsafe because, if anything, James has done more for me than my own family ever could, but the inner child in me would rather take flight than rest under intense pressure; so that says a lot about the weak character I have…
What’s he doing, wasting his precious time and energy on me – when I clearly am undeserving of such compassion?
His children are so lucky to have his love and support; why must his schedule involve being a support to me when his kids probably could use it more?
It’s true, I’m as quick with putting off meeting James as he is to turn up out of the blue – we’re as stubborn as each other about contact; me to minimize it and James to plan the days.
I don’t give enough credit to this man for being a fantastic support and comfort throughout these horrible months, and yet I’ve a fear of doing so may direct our connection in a way I would rather not yet go…
I really can’t win either way; it’s obvious I’m mistreating James in the manner he doesn’t deserve, and my mission to avoid any possible way of making him upset, failed.
All I seem to bring is misery and hopeless dejection at every turn; I am terribly ungrateful for any goodness that meets my path and am quick to jump on the defensive out of inner-guilt – I feel I don’t deserve to be happy and this weight lays heavy from sensing the saddened disposition of my family.
Then I would think: “It’s not right that you should run from your problems. Be honest!” And this expectation of myself is what breaks me; the smile on my face cracks every time, and the tears long dried up.
And yet, it’s James’s belief in me that gives fresh hope and a great feeling of me being understood, at least partly.
And some part of me really does love him for that; lifting me out of the pit I dug myself and helping me to see things rationally. On life in general I feel there is a dramatic improvement, but with being emotionally attuned and trust I know I am still yet impaired.
All I can say is James’s sweet letter makes me smile, and no reply could best describe the level of my appreciation in receiving such honesty and reflection. I would really love the day if we really could be just friends, but right now these are still early stages!
Yours always,
Jay