Monday evening, 4th January 2016
6:30p.m.
Dearest Friend,
After having signed off New Year’s eve and lay with James, bright and lively as a bird, he gets up and switches on some music from the plasma TV and asks what I’ve been up to the last few hours he was asleep.
“Ah, nothing really. Just watched the fireworks go off; it was so captivating… Did you sleep well?”
James, quite surprised, looks at the watch on his wrist.
“Is it that time already? I was hoping we could take a dip into the bath and relax. Would love to massage your shoulders while lying back using the Jacuzzi filter… Do you think it’s too late for that…it was meant to be my way of treating you?”
Grinning wildly, I gave James a hug.
“Now who in their right minds could refuse such a lovely request?!”
We kiss, slowly undress and prepare for stepping into the bubble bath.
There’s a switch beside the bed that clicks on and off as a visual to look through the glass wall, covered by a sort of blind; facing the bathtub.
Fully naked, I look through the blind as James pours the bath lotion into the tub; looking at me smiling the entire time.
I giggle at his flirtatious gaze before going in to join him. There was something childlike about the way James looked at me as he waited in the full-brimmed bath; his eyes full of earnest…
I had to keep myself from breaking out into a fit of laughter – this was a moment James clearly craved and took seriously; to make his every attempts of affection visible, and I’m just hopeless in the face of romantic remedies and never know if I’m contributing enough.
The thing with me is that I can only really give and show my appreciation through action and words; I haven’t the financial means, as James would, to show thoughts and care materialistically; by that I mean suggesting trips away, buying expensive gifts that show full meaning and personality, and having a car to simply get up and go when one pleases.
I feel restricted in a lot of ways, especially if I were to compare James’s priorities to mine.
Sometimes we clash because of these differences; I would be going through a great deal of growth, whether that be the social dynamics of my peers – people that don’t take life very seriously – and having to adapt within new surroundings.
These all may seem very straightforward, but for someone with not many support connections from family and living away from home it’s important that I’m able to adjust to these changes…
I imagine James also has his hands full, what with his job as school principal and being a dedicated parent, but I’m amazed he’s able to travel long distances to see me without second-guessing, and most of the time he turns up unexpectedly or last minute out of fear of me telling him off.
The main reason I don’t tend to him every time is because, as you know, I want James to consider me having a life as well and to be respected enough as adults if I ever were to say no.
Most of the time he does, but its obvious James sees me vulnerable and feels I need tenderness.
Perhaps I do, but unless I ask for it it’s only going to be a power struggle between James and me – since boundaries are clearly the issue here!
However, as I got into the bath beside James – my back lying against him – none of these concerns yet erupted.
It was peaceful to lay my head back on his hairy chest, to close my eyes and to drink in the comforts of this sensuality; the warm water soaking against my skin and James, with his delicate hands, caressing me all over.
Our “Secret Paradise” came to mind as I turned my face towards James; my lips meeting his.
“You know,” James whispered, “I could get used to this…”
I smiled politely. “Yes, this trip has been lovely. Thank you for making it possible!” I told him.
“You deserve it, Jay, and so much more.”
Squeezing James close, I tease him for being cute; not so much ignoring his compliments but casually taking on his somewhat intense behaviour; his serious words, his focused stare and powerful touch, I had to remain with perspective and have my wits about me before letting all this intensity overwhelm me.
“You’re too kind,” I whispered, my words barely audible.
I surprised myself for even vocalizing my thoughts, but James didn’t hold it against me.
Instead, he went on to “prove me wrong” and kept persuading that I should be used to this kind of treatment. I’m not and who’s to say I ever will?
“We should do this more often… I’ve never been this happy in so long.”
“I’m glad. And maybe, who knows…”
“Well, why don’t we make an agreement to travel every once in a while?”
This bit blew my mind and I got all serious again; coming back down to Earth. I reminded James that we should just appreciate the moment and perhaps make future plans at a later stage; not in the midst of a euphoric state. Who knows how I’ll be when I return to Ireland, I thought over again…
I know what you’re thinking. You’re surprised that it’s me remaining realistic and James full of wishful thinking.
And I agree with you – his intentions are very well minded – but I always feel called upon to state our boundaries; out of fear of either of us being offended or getting hurt.
Absolutely, I’d love to catch a plane and take off when the going gets tough, but even without problems aside travels away wouldn’t be appreciated enough if it wasn’t occasions that are invested in.
Like, saving up for holidays, having goals to reach in daily life and to hold a balanced perspective when obstacles arise. In essence, to make such plans at a realistic pace and, of course, to really consider the financial probabilities.
For James, I think these occasions are a way for him to really express his true self and, like a person reconnecting with their inner child, to bring about all kinds of fun so that the spirit can unravel.
He seems to think it’s me as the source that allows for this wild energy to show, but I disagree, at least fifty per cent. It’s very possible that any form of strong kinship can bring this happiness about, and James is ignorant to that.
He hasn’t had many intimate relationships to know the wondrous joys and life learning disappointments that come with adapting to people on soul levels.
There is no way for him to comprehend these journeys and changes it makes in us as people without the experience to serve it knowledge.
Like an outsider, James can express opinion or even coldly deny its infinite dynamics – but what he can’t do is reach me fully without having walked through these changes that different relationships shape. It’s sad to admit, but there you are.
Like a virgin, who is unaware of his/her naivety, they would jump in their approaches spontaneously, James would act purely out of instinct.
But for me, thinking from experience, we as people who have felt similar intensities and then heartbreak, would put up certain boundaries in our actions before drawing any conclusions.
Does that make any sense?
Anyhow, this is the gap I might sometimes picture when sensing the dynamics between James and I based on experience.
9.30p.m.
After our bath James and I returned to bed where, with beautiful romantic music playing in the background, we had a long session of sexual exploration on each other; my mind wandering elsewhere the entire time.
When we finished, exhausted, I lay down with my head on James’s chest (it appears to be my favourite spot!), just about to fall asleep. I could nearly feel it before see, the smile on James’s face. And then he said it. The words I should have prepared for…
“I love you, Jay!”
I could nearly double my heart rate to that of James – now I felt really uncomfortable and wanted to run and hide.
Knowing I couldn’t escape, knowing James was waiting in the wings for a response, instead I knew it was time for both of us to confront a truth.
Breaking away from his warm embrace, I sat up straight next to James. I remembered letting out a big sigh, both because I needed to get my bearings and also because I knew there was no way to say this without upsetting James in some form.
“No, James. You think you do, but it’s not love… It just can’t be… Too soon to say that!”
“It is love. I know it is. I care about you so much, Jason.”
“Don’t be silly. You know I care about you, too, but I wouldn’t rush to say its love, especially this early.
Honestly, James, it’s really sweet of you to say and everything, but it couldn’t possibly be love!”
“I’m serious. I want to be with you and only you!”
The shock on my face must have been very visible; eyes wide, open-mouthed.
“Wha…what do you mean?!”
James took my hand in his and let his other hand cup my palm, caressing it.
“Look, I know you don’t feel the same; I’m okay with that. I just… I just want you to let me love you, and try us for a relationship.”
“A relationship?! Ah, James… I’m sorry but that’s just going a little too far for me right now. You know what I said before? I’m okay with us being close friends and a little intimate, but I seriously can’t do with a serious, committed relationship.
I love you like a dear friend and am grateful to have you in my life, but I can’t” – James quickly interrupted me, his tone speaking over mine: “I’m not asking that much of you, Jason, just to let me show how much I care.”
I realized James wasn’t getting it and knew I now had to draw the line.
“Then maybe…maybe it’s best we just stay friends and leave our sexual tendencies aside if this is all too much for you?”
I don’t know why, on reflection, it needed to be questioned; it was obvious any form of intimacy between us would stain our friendship. And it was James himself who came to that logic. “No, Jason. To be honest, I don’t think I could be around you and pretend I just wanted you as a friend, when I feel so strongly and might want to reach out and touch you, be affectionate with you. No, I can’t picture myself as another one of your mates because, obviously, I’m more than that!”
“Of course you’re more to me than other friends, but you know what I mean…”
“Well, Jay, these are my feelings and you can’t change them or tell me how I’m feeling… When I tell you it is love I feel, you better believe it!”
And some big part of me couldn’t believe it…
When I was saying to James that it couldn’t be love he’s feeling, what I really was asking internally is “whoever would love a fool like me?”
But, of course, I didn’t speak out these thoughts.
To do so would be to relinquish my last ounce of self-control, and I already was much of a wreck as it is…
The funny thing is I never needn’t remind James of all these things; he very much can see through acts of composure and reel out emotional baggage, even by a simple conversation to test attitude.
But that night I had to put aside insecurities and focus on protecting James alone; knowing that, if I let him in fully, all he would receive is heartache and emotional mistreatment. He deserves only the best; both with someone that can better compromise to his needs and someone that can rationally sustain more mutual, monogamous senses to commitment.
I’ve had to be selfish and make it clear to him that I’ve a lot of personal recovery work to do on myself (actually through James’s suggestion), but not until it occurred to me that this also meant detaching from any toxic relationships, the only way I could accomplish this with James was by being fiercely adamant – demanding that any love on his part had to be false – and not giving in to his charming influence; no matter how warmly persuasive that was.
It’s resulted as badly as I expected; James and I hardly spoke as intimately again, unless it was absolutely necessary out of concern, and the journey back to Ireland was very awkward. Inwardly, I weighed up the consequences and I’ve found that James is safer to bear the truth than to go along not knowing where he stood or to feel used, even, when I needed an attentive ear or a dear friend for my own needs…
Ugh, the whole thing has been a mess – but I care too much for James to let him go on getting treated as such.
The sacrifice has been harsh but I believe one day he’ll look back and see that it had to end to benefit both of us in the long run!
He will beloved; he will receive the nurturing and emotional support from a partner that he so deserves, and he can be really happy…!
I’ve had to acknowledge that both James and me are mentally and emotionally deflated at the moment, and due to the heavy weight on one side the scale stays lopsided.
It’s been this way because we’re both needy in our own self-destructive way; me through seeking escape both from my chaotic world and to unleash into physical levels of closeness anonymously, living purely in the moment and not admitting to myself that I had serious issues; for James I think our encounters have been very refreshing for him, to experience this difference in himself and not feel shame, to relive his boyhood almost, and to feel very much obliged from having someone rely on his guidance for a short while – to give something he knew nobody else would offer.
However, where it becomes toxic for James is in the very one-sidedness of our connection – feeling very fine to have someone lack the empathy he has for them, and to strive in the belief that he can “fix” the broken-hearted.
He’s admitted this to me somewhat during a car ride; that he doesn’t expect for his lover to return that love, but merrily allow and accept his infectious attempts as truly meaningful. For a person as sensitive and emotionally revealing as myself, it got to a desperate point where enough is enough and living in our safe, confined bubble wasn’t enough to block out the real world.
It is time to truly be honest with ourselves… Anyway, what’s done is done and I only wish James the best in life!
Yours sincerely,
Jay