12th January 2016
“What is it about me you can’t seem to let go?”
The fact that you even ask the question saddens me because it seems too hard for you to see the you that I see, and that I care so deeply for you – but I will try to put into words the sadness and heartache I have right now… I guess I could go on for hours answering this, but I will try to keep it brief!
We met around 5 months ago; if I had a journal like yours then I’m sure I’d have written long and emotionally about that evening but now all I have are my memories, and I smile thinking of you and how nervous I was at meeting you; not knowing what to expect, not knowing if you’d even turn up, and suddenly there you appeared! And all my nerves went and we somehow just connected. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so relaxed in the company of a stranger, or that you even were someone I’d have met before – and what was to be an opportunity to meet someone interesting turned into one of the most fabulous nights, where we became intimately knowledgeable about each other.
I guess from that night it was clear to me that I was in the company of someone very special, and as I’ve gotten to know you more that has become even clearer.
At the time I wasn’t a person but a series of role models: dad, son, ex-husband, family member, school principal – to name but a few – and I dutifully undertook all of them, as I still do, but there was no me.
I was dealing with my relatively new found sexuality and got very challenged, scared and unhappy that this didn’t fit into any of my roles. I had no identity. Then you came into my life…
I have from the beginning been very amazed by your openness and honesty about your life and your experiences, and also that through it all you had what I hadn’t: you were a person, you were you, you were Jay; no pretense, no persona, just yourself. And through talking to you and being with you I have learned not only who I am, but to be happy with me and you’ve shown the real me care, support and understanding – just for me…
When we are planning to meet I get excited and count down the days, the hours and the minutes until there you are…my beautiful man!
I just low when you appear at the window of the car or watching you coming down the path, that first word, the first smile or that first touch as we connect.
And then we spend time together and all the worries and responsibilities of my life disappear – and I’m in a trance, transfixed by the light that shines from you, by an aura that totally encompasses me and closes out the rest of the world as if we alone existed… And so we could be alone, we could be surrounded by others, but I sense only your presence.
I love your unique outlook – I’m in awe at your positivity, your honesty, your passion to make the world a better place. I’m astounded by your compassion, your willingness to forgive those who’ve let you down in life; your willingness and ability to see the good in everyone.
Even when we are apart, I think about you. I message you in the hope that I get a reply and even seeing you’ve read my messages makes me smile, and getting a response brightens my days.
I love to be part of your life, to help you and support you, in all the things that you do – emotionally and physically there by your side.
I love hearing about your course and being part of the work of your assignments and sharing ideas. I love our conversations when we debate issues and you challenge my views and express your own.
I love your journal – its honesty and reflection. I love that you share it with me and we can talk about it. I love that I can talk about my life and that you care and show support for me in the things I’m dealing with. I love that you ask about my family and have wanted to see photographs of them…
I love our physical closeness and our sexual encounters, where we are intimately connected. I love the feel of you against my skin. I love when I get to kiss your face and you relax and sigh deeply. I love to wake up beside you and watch you sleep. I love our absorbing hugs, where I could be lost in your beauty for eternity… I love when you hold my hand while I drive. I love how you place your head on my shoulder and rest during our long drives to Galway… I love that I was there to bring you to college on the first day of term and be part of the disappointment of your mum not bringing you, and watching you get focused and excited about your new year in Galway.
Mostly I am amazed that you have allowed me enter your life.
So how could I let you go? You bring me to a happy place of peace and contentment – your spirit acts on me like a drug; transfixes me and transforms me into my true self!
But tonight I feel ill. My heart aches; there’s a lump and an emptiness in my soul because I’ve hurt you, made you sad and angry at me, and all I’ve ever wanted to do is make you happy and to see you following your dreams; turning them into reality…
I’m afraid that you’ll not be able to forgive; not be able to give me another chance, and that all the trust and care we’ve given each other over the last few months will become a memory… Afraid that I may have a future without everything you bring to my life. So I hope this gives you some insight into why I can’t let you go… I’ve lived long enough to know that finding someone like you is difficult. It’s taken me over 30 years!
Yours always, James.