Friday morning, 1st January 2016
12:35a.m.
Amsterdam
Dearest Friend,
Ah, the last few days have been wonderful with James…
So much so that I nearly forgot the heavy impact of last month’s aftershocks, and that’s not the sort of self-control I find myself having often!
James, the dear friend he is, was able to enable me and my mind to venture much further than I ever anticipated under these conditions. He was able to free me from all the misery and remind me, quite beautifully, that life does go on…and also to not doubt myself finding a place among that beauty!
As we speak, James is sleeping with his back turned from where I sit peacefully by the window – the circular coffee table having just enough room to lay this book and write on.
I would say, although he would never admit it, that James is exhausted after the last day’s activities. At the Anne Frank play especially; I could see he needed the rest.
For both of us, I’d say Christmas is an emotional and lonely time of year; filled with nostalgia and visions of happier moments of the season’s occasion…
I feel particularly guilty that I didn’t have the strength in me to visit my sisters this year for Christmas, and saddened that my family wouldn’t ever embrace my going to Amsterdam. It’s true that it was my choice not to speak about it prior and James’s involvement in my life, but the truth is I didn’t want the worry or suffer under prying enquiries.
My family have little faith in my capabilities as it is and fail to treat me as an adult, so I’ve never felt it necessary to expect their permission or acceptance of the affair.
For James, on the other hand, I would say it’s more out of homesickness of his kids and his need for more contact in their life; all of which are out of his control.
From what I hear, it’s evident that his children love him dearly and must be thrilled to have such a wonderful father! I’m sure once they’ve grown wiser and sees a bigger picture of the world they will appreciate James more and more.
Who wouldn’t adore being able to count on someone like that? Family orientated, committed and emotionally patient as a parent, and beautifully sensitive as a human being.
This is what I observe from James – a truly nice guy…
And now he sleeps soundly, while I write a bit past twilight, feeling near the point of bursting with joy; over what I couldn’t tell you specifics, but it’s enough that its essence pours through me with all its felt sensations, and from there – no from THIS feeling – it’s enough to appreciate without searching for its every meaning as it passes…
Please let it remain while the weeks go on, I would beg of God – so that nobody may question this uplifting stance, but be keen to appreciate it’s energy and long for more of its presence among them. The truth, I know, is too far distant – an emotional strength that can only be experienced in stages – and before I know it this source of power will leave me once more, like fireworks being let off – a new source coming forth to shake me off my feet; leaving with me a new sensation within, whether it be positive or negative…
Too bad it couldn’t always be the former!
Either way, this notion I have – of haven’t given up and have risen above the despair – is echoing in me from James reminding of such and of my possibilities; being my own medium To Be the possibility, of a better force, and a better cause through out-doing my own suffering and continuing to thrive!
I can’t say for sure whether I’ll ever achieve any of my ideals, but with God as my teacher and guide I have hope that I’m not all that far away.
Yours truly, Jay.
P.S.: From where you are, did you watch the fireworks go off around midnight?
It was so beautiful, especially as I glimpsed from the window here, out over the beautiful canals of Holland and above from the lit up boathouses; on it crowds mesmerized of the sparkling lights above, in all its celebrated colours!
Oh, it appears James just stirred in the bed… I best go and accompany him. I’d just like to wish you a very Happy New Year!