Saturday, 28th November 2015
Dearest Friend,
I haven’t got a lot of time to write tonight, as I’ve been so busy preparing myself. I’ve been practicing a few breathing exercises and listen to peaceful instrumental tracks or ones that speak through the voices of nature and angels.
As a solution it’s at least something from even doing these practical signs of therapy; as it’s me telling my body to keep going and not to give up…
I’ve given myself a break from the family, as it can be stifling to bear all their meddling and various points while my own become stammered into the background by the loudness of their voices and pushiness. I mean this metaphorically, of course, due to my meekness and their overpowering attitudes. I guess you could say that I still feel unheard and intimidated by my family’s bad habits…
Not to worry; keeping my ground here (in my own space and solitude) allows for me to stay mindful, what with seeing the many forms of strength, even ones occurring through silence!
I met up with James tonight and he had a surprise for me.
Amazingly, James was thoughtful enough to think it best that I dress appropriately for the court day, so he allowed for me to borrow a very fancy black suit of his, with many tie’s and shirts. He even gave me a pair of gorgeous brown leather boots, which fit perfectly. The suit however drags down a little on me, since I’ve lost a lot of weight since September and my waist size was less than expected.
However, Unna here in Cartron allowed for me to borrow a leather belt from her partner and everything then fit just right.
After a shave and a haircut I think I look decent enough to take the stand. No matter how fancy we all look, this isn’t a happy occasion… We will have sit before a judge and jury that will closely criticize our sayings from the questions been asked. It’s frightening, actually. All we can do is go through with it!
Yours, Jay.
Saturday night, 21st Nov 2015
Dear Jay,
I thought as you write in your journal that it was time I also managed to write you a letter.
The next few days are going to challenge you, as have the last week or two. But the truth is you have lived with this challenge for years. You have bottled the guilt that encompasses you, which rationally you can see was never young Jay’s to have. In life we often question when we reflect on our past and wonder why we did or didn’t take a particular course of action. In this case you should have no conflict with yourself!
You know that young Jay was a very scared and alone little boy, frustrated to the point of being frozen in the moment, unable to move, unable to shout out because of the fear that you had, that the inevitable consequence would have been that He would have abused you, as he had in the past – or maybe in his fear of being caught abusing Cindy he may have done even worse… So your life was potentially in danger, and there was no one around to protect you. So any guilt that exists relating to that event does not rest on your shoulders, even though it has rested heavily on you for many years.
My prayers and wishes in the next week will be that you find the courage to face the court and tell your story for you and Cindy, and that you will have peace afterwards and will begin to see as everyone else who can view it rationally can see…that little Jay was guilty of nothing. His only problem was he had no one to protect him. No one who would believe him. No one he could trust, and so he knew he was powerless…
Today, Jay, that little scared and alone boy is no more. You have done him proud. Despite what he went through, throughout his childhood he never strayed from his plan. You also seemed to know you were destined for greater things. And despite having a family and state system that tried to side-line you, that tried to make you believe you had a disability, you believed in yourself and battled them all – often very much alone… That strength of character has been remarkable.
Very few people, who have a fully supportive upbringing, family support and financial means, manage to achieve that level of self-belief. In your circumstances any normal human being would have been exhausted and submitted to the inevitable: that they were mere mortals, that they had to settle for a lesser fortune, that they would exist as small people, who would survive but not expect anything more. That small town parochialism was the best they could aim for and they would lead an existence from that day forward, sometimes wondering what might have been, but always accepting that it was never going to be a possibility for them.
But Jay, you refused to accept that life. You refused to be placed in that mould. Your family deluded that you had a limited future and tried to make you see that as your destiny, as it had become theirs… But you fought that, from an early age you had dreams and when your family make it difficult to dream out-loud you turned to your journals and there you were able to dream in your own space…confident that you and your journal would have a bigger place in the world, despite what they system wanted to label you as.
And so you first freed yourself from the negativity of your Mother and her partner and you sought refuge with your nana. But in time you too realized that she had too small a world in mind for you, knowing that going back would be too much of a compromise for you ever to accept, so you took a journey with no possible reversal. How many young people would do that?
I don’t know of any who would have the strength, who would have that self-belief, courage or who simply knew that in order for their lives to have true meaning, that they needed to escape that small mindedness of their families… And so, Jay, you ventured out alone into the world and since then you have been free; free to think, free to grow as you want to, and free to have your place in the world.
You have shown that you can survive, grow, have meaning and touch people’s lives. And this is only the beginning… You will continue to grow and be more than you ever imagined, more than you’ve ever dreamed!
And so next week it is not little Jay, the afraid little boy in court, but a strong courageous man…one who I’ve been honoured to know, one who has touched the lives of many people, who has touched me and made me a better person; one who will touch so many more lives!
So whatever happens next week, know that young Jay has grown into a beautiful human being, of whom I am immensely proud. I only wish your family could see that and look at you with the same pride as I have in you, in what you have achieved and what you will achieve.
Take care Jay, and know you will always have my support and care.
Your friend, James.