Sunday night,
22nd November 2015
Dearest Friend,
During a recent visit at Granny M’s I was greatly surprised of her sudden interest in the court case…
She puzzled me about its upcoming and seemed genuinely worried. I didn’t want to show weakness so I just answered matter-of-factly; that, yes, it is occurring next week; yes I know very well what I’m saying going in there and obviously I’ll speak only the truth!
I know it doesn’t make a difference but a part of me feels disbelieved from Granny M… I know from her point of view these issues should have been dealt as a forgiving family and kept quiet.
That’s fine; Gran is entitled to think in that bliss and cope with the facts in whatever way she can handle…but if anyone oversteps my barrier and suggests that my sisters and I would have been better off without any intervention from social workers or the care system then I have no problem proving them wrong and pointing out the obvious!
Unless they’ve experienced all that we have or put themselves in our shoes then they can keep their mouths shut, for to ignorantly sit in judgement and feel they have the right to question our feelings or motives from what’s been done is too low and idiotic… And, of course, everyone is very much entitled to express their feelings and show opposition, but please keep these toxic notions far from the ears of my sisters, for they needn’t deserve to heed such complaints!
You can’t imagine how protective I can sometimes be towards Cindy and Maria – often this sense of responsibility over them I keep to myself… People back home are sometimes under the impression that because I’m leading an academic life that I don’t take them seriously; this notion of theirs is obvious from the way they keep their distance and conversationally show a false sense of positivity.
The attitude is more or less: “Oh, Jay's off at college… He has no worries in Galway!”
This perception they have created couldn’t be further from the truth; I go through many occasions where I share my difficulties with family and very much long for their guidance or direction within a given obstacle, and all I’m given is the same advice: Give it up…
As I’m quite the self-critical mind and ultimately a perfectionist in spirit, I tend to beat myself down when I fail or believe it as absolute truth when I’m faced with harsh criticism of my “incapability’s”.
And a stubborn part of continues to search for reason and seeks a new truth; one in which I have a place that allows me to grow and matter in that space of development…
It’s not that I’m pointing my elders out to have shown me error or that I ignore their “good” intentions of not wanting me to be filled with false hope and aspire towards something which will later prove to be impractical…but it’s because of their lack of faith in me that I’ve then went on to function even better in tasks that require independence and good spirits that a stubborn soul would achieve… This they could never understand and in another sense I’m glad because it’s allowed me to grow enormously from a place of deep loneliness.
As I’ve said before, everything falls into place in the end and I know I’m not alone in this ideology!
Another thing I can’t fathom is how Granny M can show any sympathy towards the grandson that mistreated my sisters and me and can conclude that she would pray for Him.
Perhaps the whole horror is too much for Gran to comprehend and it gives her peace of mind to look towards a higher power that can evict those notions that are too hard for her to bear. But it struck me how “invisible” my presence was while Gran quizzed the nitty-gritty…
Where was my feelings considered as she shifted these hard feelings?
I felt that there was a rock stuck in my throat and I had lost my voice for a time, and was at the edge of silent tears…
But in that single instant, I wasn’t the one filled with resentment or the one holding grudges, for I found myself reaching out to comfort Granny and I took her hand and just held it for a minute. I didn’t utter a word or express anguish, even though a subconscious part of me wanted to lash out and shake the family out of this reverie state that they’ve sheltered themselves under, by keeping a safe distance from cold realities… Gran and I just listened to an album of her favourite classical love songs, while my mind was dazed by the approaching days!
I had also visited M.I. yesterday, which I hadn’t in so long, and it was evident for me to see that she also was feeling uneasy. Her face was as red as a beetroot, her tone of voice in higher pitch than necessary and her mind wandering, as she went about the daily laundry while speaking to me.
When I spoke with the guard earlier last week he said he couldn’t look as though he were “hinting” about my statement but that I could only speak about Cindy’s incident in court and not mine, and that I should speak with M.I. to understand further.
Overwhelmed, I simply nodded, took the printed statements he had given me and left the Gardaí station…
In speaking with M.I. she repeated what I guessed as common knowledge: “If you go in there and say you didn’t turn over because He did it to you then the whole case is off Jay…
And I will not have that scumbag walking the streets after what he got away with doing to my niece…
Now I understand He also abused you, but try to think of this as closure for both of you… Do you understand?”
“I do, yes. I didn’t turn over because I was afraid and knew what He was doing was wrong… Believe me, I know what I’m doing. I just can’t get over that the court should disqualify us, simply because I say truthfully the reason for me being scared is that He did it to me!” “I know, Jay, but can you just do as I ask and say what you’re saying for Cindy?”
“Of course I will.”
Thanks, Jason.”
M.I. also told me that she herself had to be careful in speaking up in court; in M.I.’s statement she had gathered knowledge about Cindy’s abuse through first hearing about mine and Maria’s experiences, and now she had to say it was revealed through explaining the birds and the bees…
Unfortunately, Maria doesn’t have it in her to follow up with us in court to support Cindy, and I respect her choice.
I imagine deep down Maria is feeling her hurts and is dealing with her past by surrounding herself around up-beat friends and not so much getting sucked up in the family dynamic like I might.
That being said, I have Lucy at my side here as I write this. God love her; the girl is so patient with me, whenever I receive inspiration or decide to vent on paper…
Anyways, as I was speaking with M.I. and thinking things over, it all came to the surface and I could feel myself losing that firm composure as tears came to my eyes.
The poor woman didn’t know what to do with me; we only had a limited time to chat before the kids came back and then it would no longer be appropriate to discuss the court case at such an intense length.
I confided in M.I. that I couldn’t understand why Granny M should pray for Him and asked her if I really done something wrong… Well, there was no holding her back now.
M.I. was furious at Gran’s rationale and said she didn’t care that she was an elderly woman or showing a compassionate heart; a man should pay the price for his bad deeds and let justice be served where care was abused.
I agreed with her entirely but I was too upset to form my own opinion. I only said that it was best I left and got some fresh air. M.I. followed me to the door and genuinely asked if I was okay. I only hugged her in response before walking away into the dark night…
Halfway during my walk, I don’t know why but I rang Mum to seek some answers. It was a miracle she answered the phone for once and she sensed my urgency so asked where I was.
I told her walking by The Garavogue River, so she agreed to pick me up by car and to drive me home… Mum arrived rather quickly and gave me this questioning look as she studied me waiting by the sidewalk; it were as though she was thinking “Who is my son becoming?”
I hurried into the car and didn’t say a thing for a moment; I just looked straight through window-screen as Mum speechlessly began to drive… I don’t know why but when I look my Mother in the eye I can sense all her sorrows, feel the damage done to her hurt and recognize how survival instinct has left her being a hard person.
And I suppose me being the most openly tearful member out of her kids I just want to comfort Mum tenderly and be that person who can provide stability and show strength. I’ve always been made feel inadequate and underestimated in my family, and it’s really a sad feeling that stills me to this day!
Eventually, Mum got a lot out of me during that drive and in speaking about the court case her advice was the same as M.I. Everyone wants me to keep my mouth shut about anything having to do with my abuse, and I don’t know why but to shush me out like this feels similar to not being believed at all, and being put back into that shell where I feel small and don’t have a voice of my own… It’s really awful to feel this alone!
In a fit of tears, my desperation became uncontrollable and I ended up apologizing to Mum for having not told her anything years back and that it’s my fault we all have to suffer the consequences for it now; what with the family circle torn apart, having to deal with guards and social workers on our back and having to put Cindy through this turmoil by having to take the stand herself.
It’s heart-breaking, and I feel me as her big brother should have done more to protect her from harm.
I would take her place any day, so she wouldn’t have to suffer the effects of rape herself, and take away all these burdens that shouldn’t be hers to carry!
But Mum budded in before I got carried away in my guilty tirade; she actually admitted that she was the one responsible for having left us alone with Him.
“Jay, you’re not to blame… Sure I trusted the fucker! I never thought he’d do anything like that!
Seriously, don’t blame yourself, son. You were only eleven…a child yourself. You were scared, I understand. But look, now you can make it right and speak up for Cindy… I’m so proud of you! All you got to do is stand up and tell them the truth; you can’t do anymore.
But whatever you do, do not bring what He did to you into the picture because his legal team are waiting for you to say the words and then he’s won the case…
So, Jay, be careful and say specifically whatever you remember Him doing to Cindy. You knew what He was doing was wrong, so that’s why you didn’t turn over…”
“I know, Mum. Thanks for understanding, I really appreciate the advice!”
I took deep breaths before then receiving a massive hug from Mum… Boy, did I need that!
Her hugs felt so soothing and reassuring; l I can remember smelling her beautiful scent, as I lay in her arms and the warmth of her closeness was incredible – it was just all I needed right there…
And now I wait…well, wait for everything to erupt!
If there’s a God that exists, please help me get through it all… I’m really going to need a miracle to stay strong facing Him and prevent myself from breaking down.
For fuck sake, I just want it all to be over. The wait in itself is punishing…!
Yours truly,
Jay.