Friday, 24th April 2015
Dearest Friend,
It's been a while since I've seen Lucy in company!
I was delighted that we were able to catch up earlier today.
I often think about her while I'm busy at college and wonder how she's keeping.
I don't know what it is but when we're together we seem to lift the mood and make everything seem much more comical than it actually is. We make each other smile and laugh without needing to try...
We share this unique understanding of empathy, which neither of us can deny relating to.
We feel safe and weirdly at home by each other's company, without having to explain why...
We have a diverse friendship based on realism and comedy, which brings out the perfect balance.
I can't quite explain it, and I can't speak on behalf of Lucy's feelings, but what we have is so important to me.
Having Lucy's friendship brings about wonder and delight...
To make up for the time we missed of each other, Lucy and I decided on going to the cinema, for old times’ sake...
For us going to the movies isn't much of a treat but merrily a routine when something interesting shows up on screens.
This we especially like; not just because of what's displayed but for the humour and interaction represented throughout the acting.
You could say that Lucy and myself behave much like comedic commentators, criticizing the behavioural habits that actors tend to find themselves, and observing the technical efforts on display - whether the directors are trying to be too modern with special effects or if the "eye" aims specifically on heartfelt moments of the story-line, to give us (the audience) a feel of reality; that we might find ourselves relating to in our own life stories.
This time, Lucy and I choose to go back in time and go and see a family classic: The Sound of Music (1965)... We sort of did this out of random choice, not really considering how profound a vintage film might affect us personally.
It was out of luck that there were only very few of us at the seating’s, and this gave us the chance to feel carefree, discuss the movie as it performed on and even whistle and sing along like two infants giggling in mischief.
In spite of all our giddiness and efforts to flawlessly express ourselves in the likes of a grand musical, suddenly a calm feeling came over me - which was so overwhelmingly euphoric - and that was from me recognizing just how special it is to be around Lucy...
A moment of stillness befell us and our hearts were one with the colourful picture, and so without even asking I gently lay my head on Lucy's shoulder as her eyes were transfixed to the screen from the magnificence it portrayed.
I could have easily fallen into a dreamy sleep while resting on Lucy's shoulder, and I know she wouldn't mind, but instead, she spoke suddenly: "Do you feel loved by your family...?"
The question was a painful one for me, and I could read the pain behind the way Lucy asked me, but for a long moment, I had no words. I had to search deep inside to give her my most truthful answer...
As I write this, I want to make some things clear. No one would understand this, but I've great love for Lucy...
No, it would never be sexual and neither romanticized by the notion that we would become a couple by flimsy choice.
But actually the affection I have towards her is brotherly in a lot of ways, and I have this need to be close around her: to pick her up when she falls, to guide her as she has done with me through pitfalls in life, and to ultimately make her happy...
In the hardest times, we've still contemplated life and found ourselves looking towards a positive future, and I guess all that comes to mind because we've found that we're not alone or weak as the world might deem us at its lowest, and the way things stand are always temporary...
We take the good moments with the bad times, in order to try and form some sort of solution.
In a way, I didn't comment on Lucy's question right away but rather took in the splendour of the moment to reflect our capacity from re-actions to the actions brought forward.
So, in some retrospect, it is by our attitudes and mindfulness that we navigate through this energy force - sailing both through the positives and negatives.
But it is up to us to choose whether well sink or swim - whether we'll take the moment as a situation to learn from and be seen as a challenge to better our human character and give us broader perspectives on individuals and how their choices lead to their present reality...or whether we'll succumb to the pressures and discomfort and find ourselves adapting to such thinking in our own interaction with others.
You could say that it's everyone's own responsibility to pick themselves up and find their own path individually by experience, but sometimes we need that extra push and people who give us that optimistic reminding of a life much bigger than the walls we cave in around our thinking; from feeding more into that negative energy at will.
And so when we get that support and change our attitudes upon situations experientially, a person's view on the world is changed and their perceptions seeming much more clear than before. A human life is transformed and their positive presence will attract alike influences, both from the kindness and sincerity brought forward by their choosing...
Maybe I'm speaking out of fantasising thoughts, but it was the era in which the movie was shot (in 1965) and how there is a huge difference in the way young people are raised, nowadays, that made me reflect with Lucy youth and parenthood...
To be quite honest, in some parts of the film I felt the portrayal was speaking to me on many levels, especially in the way character Maria responded beautifully to the Van Trapp children, and it showed me the meaning of family in a new light.
The beauty of family life is that it DOES mess up as well as strengthen in understanding, and that human beings have a way of caring in a fashion that is always so surprising.
The "traditional" ideal structure of a built family doesn't always exist for some people, and I come to believe there is a great purpose for that - such as spiritual growth in youngsters and a new sense of awareness - nothing particularly better than the traditional views on family life, but a new way of seeing what makes a family...
And this is how I came to that conclusion: I asked Lucy, after observing a scene in the movie where Maria is sitting up in the bed with the children throughout a thunderstorm, in a perhaps inquisitive tone "Did you ever feel you were forced to grow up and lost your innocence?"
It may seem very random for me to ask these big questions (especially ones that some people might consider pessimistic in its facing reality), but I suppose such a great movie made both of us think and feel nostalgic; such a movie evoked such deep feelings we both wanted to express...
And Lucy knocked back in a powerful way, considering she thinks she has an expressive disorder, "Erm, I think there's a reason for that though. A reason we had to go through all this stuff... Maybe to have a stronger sense of empathy and understanding of people."
There is no doubt in my mind that the approach Lucy and I choose to take is a spiritual one - an attitude that we both feel to be philosophical and enlightening. I know the world would just think we're idiots for assuming the knowledge to gain a stronger sense of ourselves, but I feel neither egotistical nor self-indulgent, to say the least!
It is from being around Lucy that makes me express my heart and soul, and though it's more or less due to the struggles we are both facing in our family life, it is always liberating to know she's there and sincerely understands me emotionally...
Friday, 1st May 2015
So far I've been enjoying myself with friends and taking it easy. I get some days where I get deeply down in the dumps, but it only last for a few short hours when I'm alone and thinking things through.
But more frequently than not, I bounce back through cheerful exterior and always have some reason to smile and hope.
I know I don't express it with enough gratitude, but I'm entirely grateful to have such special friends around me, who are so inspiring with a lot of their support and enthusiasm.
What helps most is not that they merrily listen and take heed of what I say, but actually how they amazingly come to relate and emotionally share similar doubts and insecurities.
The fact that my friends are open with their feelings and see a sort of guidance in my articulation is always so motivational and boost my confidence in a lot of ways - it gives me a reason to thrive!
I guess you could say: as the very foundation of our friendship is mutual in trust and sincere in the honesty; these assets in our bonding is valuable to me and nearly makes my heart sing when I stop distracting myself with superficial things and have time to stand back and appreciate what I presently have...
I've nothing else to report for the moment, except that I am happy and wish to stay that way.
Write soon, Jay.