Monday, 6th April 2015
Dearest Friend,
It's been just over a week since my last letter, and I apologize for not bringing myself to note anything since, but I've felt drained in every sense of the word and couldn't bring myself to allow such despairing thoughts to reach the content pages of this beautiful notebook.
As nagging as these phases bring me great sorrow, it's not worth remembering later on. I'd like to think moments as low as these can be overpowered by reminiscing hope and seeing current experiences as a reason for optimism on this grand journey... Whether I'll come out the other end with courage and strength, I debate the possibility so often!
Even if things don't go to plan for all of us, at least this time of deprivation came to be reckoned with by law... We have every reason to be resentful and for Him to be faced with judgement in accordance with action, but, even still, I go through miserably slow days of haunted signals.
I keep seeing myself in His place, keep finding myself locked up and without a voice of my own; I still feel responsible for not having saved Cindy from his clutches.
And as crazy as I'm about to sound, I've had many strange dreams where I'm asked to show mercy, to leave all the past at bay and to move on and see those whole instances as a life lesson.
Only, I find that ideal thinking doesn't work as well in practice than when it's perceived in logical reasoning...
I can't, I simply can’t, turn a blind eye and imagine all my sisters and I went through had a purpose in place. I honestly wouldn't wish any of this dread on my enemy, because the long effects on me are still dazing and restlessness...
I often try swaying through this situation confidently, but that I'm always running into dead-ends.
I can't deny that it affects me a great deal how all the family are coping stressfully and can't help bringing up the subject when it most bothers them personally, only to remind me that it's not something I should let control me anymore...
Sometimes I find myself pouring over nostalgic memories and little reminders that cloud this negative energy looming over us, and it's safe to say this kind of projection is helpful to restore positive vibes!
As always, friends have been the true guidance.
Just when I vaguely doubt their generosity, through so many depressing days and hopeless thinking, always I'm reminded of the gifts that are their hearts of gold.
They're not the types of people who pity you to make themselves feel any better or put on an act in presence, but actually their honest and distant when my need for space and solitude arises... I respect them more for their genuine fellowship and lively spirit; so I find myself feeling just as well and getting involved in the excitement of the moment.
Though Emanoel is most far away and can't always make his sincerity shown in physicality, it hardly becomes a point when his alarming messages bring me face-to-face with the real person behind the words.
I especially was astonished when his advice on my friends and family made perfect sense: "You don't need to go through this on your own, and you know it. Everything will be alright, but it needs time. What happened to you and your sister is something that you won't forget for the rest of your life. However, you need to prepare yourself to talk about this whenever it is necessary without breaking down. You just need to find your way and then you'll know what to do... Keep in touch with your other friends in Sligo, be strong and control your mind for any situation that can happen in your life which you’re faced in and need to speak about this. You can do this, I know you can!!"
This was my reply, in hurried succession:
"Hey, Emanoel. Thank you so much for your sweet message.
God, it makes me miss you so much, to notice I've lost a dear friend close to me... I hope you find happiness on this fine day, and that you celebrate it with smiles amongst your friends and family. Bless you x."
"Thank you so much Jay... But you didn't lose me as a friend! I'm still here, I'm just a little bit further away, but I'll always be closer to you than you’re thinking right now."
Another thing Emanoel mentioned is that I should always be there to protect my sisters, because they're who need me now. As my course is coming to its end shortly, I've made a better effort to visit Cindy and Maria weekly and to help them with anything they need.
At the moment Cindy is reading the children's classic: 'The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe' and I often help her out with the reading pronunciation process.
I notice how she reads very delicately, stutters on certain words and creates her own sentences while she goes along, and I would giggle as I try to correct her mistakes and to make her attempt the paragraph again.
She would sigh, wish for the book to be out of her sight, so that she could spend more fun time by taking pictures of herself on Snapchat...
But I've always encouraged Cindy to continue reading and to maybe take a visit to the public library to pick out books of more interest because it would help her a great deal and motivate her more educationally as well.
I want Cindy to have a bright future, to go onto college and make something of herself. I know she can do it but she's too innocent right now to understand all this sudden encouragement.
Besides, she laughs at her brother for being far too serious and such a loony. I don't mean to be in moments considered carefree, but I often think if I don't get the words out then it'll never be said.
Ah, who knows? Maybe someday, when Cindy's older, she'll understand that I'm for her own good and don't mean to down-trod the mood!
I've got to stop writing for now; I have a lot of studying and coursework to catch up on this evening.
Write soon,
Jay.