Sunday, 15th March 2015
Dearest Friend,
Throughout the last few days, following the depressing phone call from M.I. about the court summons, I haven't been feeling very well... I mean, I've made every effort to distract myself and find some comfort through friends, but as an antidote, it didn't last very long. They've been wonderful and have tremendous patience, but the effect on my emotions have sunk so deep in the restlessness that, really, only time can help me come to grips with things.
I know my reasons for feeling this low is obvious, but I thought when incidents like these showed up that I would withstand the issues and have a stronger disposition in self. I thought this would especially be the case from having supportive people in my life and having gained a sense of confidence!
It's needless to point out that the phone call for Cindy overwhelmed me and left me, yet again, with so many reminders of a past I thought was already behind us...
Perhaps it was for me and my mindset; by me emotionally finding reconciliation and leaving a chapter I was very willing to surpass. But for my sisters...of course, they're still struggling to come to terms with the facts and are receiving counselling to help soothe their trauma.
But, how must they be feeling about it all?
I wouldn't like to think they would grow up bearing resentment, as I have, and hating the world for people's lack of attention and being accusing of those who didn't know.
No, blame and self-hate is certainly not the way to go, and I fear my sisters might lose their sense of direction and be destructive as a result.
This is what I've been worrying about, and this is also why I've decided to confront the issue again and help Cindy's case in any way I can.
My sisters having a substantial future is as much a dream I have as for my own ideal hopes; I don't want them to run away from their problems - I want Maria and Cindy to grow up feeling carefree and lead normal, satisfactory lives.
I was too scared and emotionally incapable to speak up and describe what had happened to me when Cindy's age, and my understanding of the act was thwarted from feelings of fear and guilt...
Up from that point, my discovery of sexuality was also frustrated by that first encounter and my sudden attraction towards boys at school.
On an emotional level, it felt new and interesting for me - but physically it was a gnawing of something that was said to be wrong and a sin.
I remember Mum was repulsed by my behaviour when she found out I was experimenting through oral sex quite young and couldn't understand how I knew about sex.
Her disgust often took over and she took it out in a method of anger and warned me that there were people in the world that would kill me for being gay.
Ever since that, guilt overtook me and I went through a long period of denial.
If I had the sense and knowledge, as I do now, I will have to admit that I'm not proud of my earlier years and how I started out in secrecy.
Could things have turned out very differently if Mum had known something and took action? You see, that I'll never know.
And I'll never know if Mum would have preferred it a secret herself and kept things quiet, as the social workers weren't around then and it was something that very much was within the family - which I seem to have forgotten.
These are all things I never really had the time to put into consideration... Maybe I did speak up at the right time and shouldn't ponder anymore in regret!
The truth is, Mum and me never really did bond while I was growing up...and I don't blame her for that.
During those days, Mum suffered a lot of abuse from Tony and found escapism through recreational drug use and all-night partying.
It wasn't just Mum that was the responsible adult, Tony was my sister's father and it was apparent that Mum's relationship with him was a damaging one.
Still, no one can fight blind love and Mum found ways to forgive Tony, and so the cycle continued...
What's more is that my sisters and I were accustomed to all this, and I found escape through visits at Nanny G's; when I could forget things for a little while, but my sisters always held the notion that Mum and Tony would one day married and stay together. I, however, always had the strange vibe that it wasn't meant to be and that they clashed too much to last as a loving couple.
It was no shock to anyone in our "family circle" that I was the most distant and uncommunicative out of the three kids, and I never preferred to share an opinion or seek attention of any sort.
My "effortless" composure wasn't praised in our household, however, as it proved I was indifferent and intimidating in a loud family.
If anything, it aroused concern in Mum and she'd question why I was never pushed to go out playing and socialize...
I think she got so wrapped up in her own troubles that she forgot I was bullied in the streets, and I was often afraid to look over my shoulder in case I'd get attacked by the kids who might read into my vulnerability, so I'd always take the longer distance walks to school and be careful I didn't pass anyone familiar in passing...
I don't know what caused it but since I turned ten years of age, I began to look upon life as an outsider looking in.
It's not that I felt any better than my family, not at all; there's just no denying that my views on life differ greatly, and I always accepted this as me simply being unique.
My caring nature and concern for each and everyone in the family will always be prompt, so long as I'm equally respected, and looking upon things today I find it amusing how my sisters look towards me proudly, especially Cindy, and appreciate this "quality" as their brother's peaceful nature...
Maria, though, goes through phases where she doesn't meet me eye-to-eye - I mean, she makes an effort and all to understand me but seems to seek my interests and personality out as "mute" compared to her wild, sassy take on life. In-person, in fact, she made this quite clear during a visit after college. We were all sitting around the TV and Maria was ranting on whatever came into her head: how she ditched school and can't stand learning, how she feels like leaving Youth Reach, depending on care money and having an "easier" life...
I was shocked her attitude had led to this - that she'd prefer to lay about, jobless and to be so careless in her time.
M.I. (her aunt) cut her short before she really got carried away and maybe considered the idea for real!
"You're in Youth Reach? Oh, how's that going for ya?" I asked her.
"A lot of shit...Hate it, feel like dropping out. The only good thing is getting paid to go in…"
I had to laugh; Maria always was the tough one in the family, and I encouraged her to continue going and make something of herself...
She only looked down on me when I did this, however, and seemed to find my approach as condescending - though my intention was to motivate Maria. I don't take her carelessness that seriously, I just think she hasn't found a goal to aim at just yet...
In any case, my encouragement struck Maria as odd and brought her to reflect a stained fact.
"Jay...is it just me or do we have nothing in common?"
I had to think for a second - I was trying to remember something in which I related with Maria - but it turns out that her cold observation was true.
Though this may be so from my knowledge, I wasn't about to make Maria think just as well and have her conclude her brother as a freak relative...
"Well, why do you think that?" I asked.
I wanted to understand where she was coming from and hopefully come to realize that what she was suggesting wasn't meant to sound insulting.
"It's just, you've always been interested in reading and writing. I can't stand those things and I like dancing and singing."
"Oh, but don't you remember that we used to love playing karaoke together?"
"Oh yeah, ha-ha. You were always so funny with that."
"I get it...there's no denying you always had the better singing voice!"
Then both of us burst out laughing.
And from here I come to reflect Tony.
As a kid, without helping it, I was consciously afraid of him and wasn't impressed with his attempts to "toughen" me up. I was especially unhappy over how he treated my mother and us kids.
Though, I also think that wasn't the man behind the mask - there was a time when Tony was purely genuine as a young person. His involvement in drug-dealing and gang influences naturally changed him, and therefore led a mischief life.
This was a time before drugs were even local in Ireland and I guess, given the economy's state and marijuana being illegal, it led drug users to take things into their own devices and made an "empire" out of drug money.
With the risks that come with that, in turn, it caused people to lash out in greed and the deals concerned grew to become deviant through personal control.
Tony and some of his relatives were known in Ireland for drug dealing - it made local newspapers and he even served over 2 sentences in prison for crimes, and I think all that in his reputation changed the outlook he then took towards life...
I do believe, personally, if marijuana was legalized and released in the market in moderation, there would be fewer gang crimes and violence would decrease in time.
We need to educate ourselves more about these steps of progress, and for one weed is a less damaging chemical than what's purchased inside cigarette boxes nowadays...
And here's a funny fact: I'm not what you'd call a "pothead" - I don't take illegal drugs of any kind - I just observe what's practical, beyond what you might stereotype as being maniacal. I've been to Amsterdam just last summer and it appears that the legalization of drugs over there has made a more harmonious society of people.
I'm not suggesting here that people should take drugs without a conscience - it's all about personal choice - but I genuinely think governments should have the say in spreading it out fairly, rather than the gambling individual who decides on his whim and then creates enemies and more ultimately destroys lives by force of influence...
It's something that, economically, should be considered as a sedative to the people if desired.
I think, then, people would be more sensible under drug influence and perhaps would lead to less interventions overtime. This is just an observation I have - perhaps it's a lot of nonsense and could never work - but at present, it's just a former belief for keeping peace for the people!
But there's one thing I can't deny good from Tony and that is his fatherly instincts.
Though biologically, I wasn't his son - he treated me as his own - and he preferred I called him "dad," and although we had our own differences of personality; he justly deserved the title for having been there throughout my growing up, despite his faults.
He was generally a hard man and had his way with being forceful and argumentative, but what one can't forget is his good cooking skills and his interest in sports and poker.
I think Tony always knew he couldn't take my father's place - he just wanted to bond in his own way - and Mum often entrusted this fact onto me by making it clear he was the main male member in my life at that time and that I should be grateful. That I was - I just had a different way expressing my gratitude - and in my teenage years, I made that more clear, although Mum felt betrayed by him after they broke up and he left her... Anyway, I'm ranting on here - I just wanted to describe how I was brought up by these people and found them throughout the duration. It seems you now have an idea of how things really stand in the family, and that's important in my journey!
It seems I've pulled away from the point I started writing - I do that rather often when sudden things come to mind and I guide myself through however the feeling speaks.
Nonetheless, I would like to mention, on a light note, things between Carol and myself are back to its refreshing state.
As I previously planned, I wanted to catch up and explain myself for being quite inconsiderate last time in Galway.
We decided on going out for a few drinks in the pub and then head over to Velvet nightclub when it got late.
To my surprise, Carol didn't really care about the last incident and was more interested in the fact that we were together and seemingly enjoying the night among other Sligo friends.
Occasionally the gang would rejoice over a joint in the smoking area and speak of memorable days or comment on the latest drama in the town, and during this time Carol and I would laugh and think of our own.
She admitted that she wasn't feeling very well the last time we spoke, over a number of reasons, and found the pressure of college to be too much at times.
This I found normal, and I reassured Carol that the stress she was feeling would pass and that she would achieve in the end... Though the other troubles she pointed out meant a great worry, emotionally, to me they were no more than a pepple - especially the phases she's going through from conflict with her mother - so I had no problem being a willing ear to disputes as such as this.
For me, they appear rampant in all family life, and to some degree very necessary in acknowledging individual differences - as it's sort of practice to better prepare young people for the huge variety that's out there in the world.
It can get frightening, especially when it storms in against our present ideals and ultimately leaves us with a "thick skin"...
We can't do anything but accept and come to terms with the reality, and hopefully, one day achieve in our own way how we set out to succeed...
By me being there for Carol at a time that's quite vital as a friend, it seems the light-hearted presence helped her put things into perspective and to see all these opposites as a gain in giving her the ability to know where she stands in quality.
As a friend, I felt it necessary to confide just as much and I took Carol into my confidence by revealing the most recent news while we were alone.
We went for a walk together, roaming through O'Connell St, and speaking quite softly as I went on to explain: "I received a call recently from a relative about a court case coming up next November, and I'm expected to appear as a witness. It's for my sister's case. Like, I'm willing to do it and all, but I just feel weirdly scared how it's come up."
"Of course you'd be scared. It's not an easy thing to talk about... Thank you for telling me, it takes guts! Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine I guess. The sudden news feels more bearable as time passes. It's just hard to believe is all? I have to visit the Gardaí station pretty soon about a court summons, and the news is still sinking in.
I mean, I've no problem speaking and doing this for Cindy. But what if they ask what happened to me? I wouldn't know how to get myself together on the stand, and the last thing I want to do is cry in front of that prick!"
"Jay, you'll be fine. I promise. You and your sister deserve justice for what ye went through... They might ask of your own experience. But just answer their questions as truthfully as you. I understand your courage and I know you'll be fine!"
"Thanks, Carol. I feel better that I told you about this. It's almost like a release; I appreciate you being here for me... The one thing that worries me most is that I wasn't 100% clear in my last statement, and I fear the attorney might use that to his defence as a contradiction... You see, what I witnessed was too painful to talk about to the guard, and I couldn't make sense of it myself - so I said I was in my own bedroom when I heard Cindy crying out, when in actuality I was sleeping in the same room..."
"Oh, Jay. You have to say the truth and try to be as clear as you can!"
"Yeah, I know. I guess it came as a shock when those memories reappeared in my mind." "That's understandable; you were scared of him..."
"I still feel like an idiot for not stopping him that night, and ever since I felt guilty."
"Don't blame yourself - there's nothing you could have done. Remember, you weren't the responsible adult!"
Pretty soon it started to rain rather heavily, and my brain started to reel from going back over things I couldn't change, so I just hugged Carol as we took shelter by the doorway of the local bakery and decided it was time to switch our topic of conversation; as I didn't want to depress Carol just as much from my bad habit of dwelling!
Carol felt this was just as well but made sure I was feeling alright before heading back into the bar.
The truth is, I felt pretty miserable to say the least, but anything's better than being alone by myself and facing these fears alone... I'm lucky in that way, to have all these wonderful distractions and people that allow me to think of anything else.
And what's more, is they're the sort that doesn't need my reminding of appreciation in order to be so sincere, and simply they make me smile anyway - I'm truly blessed to have friends like that!
Carol is no fool either - if she gets the vibe that something's bothering me, she'll say it out and before I know it the problem had taken more and more weight off my shoulders by her pointing it out with such rationale...
No, I'm pretty sure with enough patience and considerable logic, I will be able to move forward and make sense of these harsh situations!
I can only look to God for guidance and hope I'm not appearing too spiteful for wanting a satisfactory result, in this case, and for not showing those I love enough gratitude than they deeply deserve in times like these...
Write soon, Jay.
P.S: I'd like to add that my night out with Carol was much happier than the detail I was able to anticipate in writing. It's always much nicer when she's around, and I like the fact that I'm able to help her out just as much; so you needn't conclude me as a needy loser that easily!