Wednesday, 11th March 2015
Dearest Friend,
There's been a great turnaround on my feelings since last week, and I'm sad to say the news isn't positive... I was spending a few days in Galway, at PJ's apartment, in order to study better and simply to have my own time and space. I was quite satisfied by the amount of work I managed to complete and was feeling quite relaxed in watching the Netflix on TV, when suddenly there was a transformation of emotion from a sudden phone call.
I lowered the volume on the TV and walked down the stairway to get myself another cup of Chai tea, as I answered my mobile.
It was M.I. calling, and I didn't know how to handle the abrupt approach: "Hey, Jay, remember how you made a statement in the police station back in 2013, about Him molesting Cindy?
Well, you've been asked to appear in the Criminal High Court as a witness on the case. Just go to the Gardaí station as soon as you can and they can give you a summons. If you've any questions, the Gardaí will go through everything with you..."
No words could filter in my mind at that time; I knew this process needed to occur...but I always assumed there wasn't enough evidence shown to make a court case substantial.
I still had a lot to process before the reality sank in...
My only fear, obviously, was the court proceedings and having to speak up in, probably, in front of numerous family members and recall the intense happenings from memory.
I know that probably sounds weak-minded of me, and that I should be brave for Cindy. It's her case after all...
I will do that, I promise her.
There are just some manipulative members in the family that still act in denial and show equal sympathy for Him. At times when I thought "Forgive and forget" was the best source of framework, in order for me to mentally move forward, get on through focusing on my education and rebuild connections with old relatives from the past; I see that when events like this show up, the true ugly come out in people and there is revealed a heart-striking outcome...
Again, reminders like these really upset me, and more so because I can’t control feelings of anguish and disgust building up inside me.
They are flashbacks that always make me shut down like a clam and there are acts that always nag me for having not taking control and said something; these are behaviours in which end up making me feel responsible for not protecting Cindy when I should have known to take action.
She was only an innocent child, just passed being a toddler, really, and I would have been about eleven or twelve years old. She couldn't comprehend the pain she endured through language, and I was too paralyzed by fear (pretty much) to turn over and stop him.
Still, my motionless reaction didn't help the situation, and it could have saved a lot of issues if I told someone what I witnessed soon after.
But I never did tell a family member, or even in my previous statement to the guards, that I was in the same room when it happened to Cindy.
True, I didn't see specifically the act portrayed (as I was lying on my stomach and facing the other direction), but I was truthful when I heard Cindy crying out and him whispering "It’s okay..."
From the movement on Mum's bed, I could suspect that he was penetrating while on top of Cindy, and I tried to hold my breath and squeeze my eyes shut throughout the process. And the reason I knew it was Him was that Mum left him babysitting, and the night before the girls and me watched a horror movie in Mum's bedroom on the small TV.
It was late at this stage, as Cindy was too stubborn to sleep, and she would often cry for Mum to come home; so the movies were kind of a consolation for keeping her relaxed and to quieten her down.
I always thought Mum's bed was cosy, so I slept at the bottom of the mattress, as Cindy and Maria slept on top.
It's weird because it was only rarely that I slept in Mum's bed and I expected for her or Tony to come back a few hours later and order me to sleep in my own room. When I did wake, however, I wish I hadn't...
I'll never forget the sound of Cindy's soft cries and His haunting hushing.
The next morning I woke up, wondering if it was all a nightmare and something I imagined because of him being around, but it happened that Cindy complained of pains between her legs and he asked her "Are you okay?" after coming out of the bathroom; too comfortable, considering Cindy's pains.
Maria reassured Cindy by saying "Mam will be home soon, don't worry" and brought her downstairs to watch cartoons on the telly.
Waking up to that, and seeing how unusually quiet Cindy got ever since, was enough to realize I wasn't dreaming and that he really acted out on my sister of what he has also done to me years before!
It would be a lot easier on all involved if I kept my word to the original statement - but I'm not the sort of person to enter the court, swear on the bible and then tell lies and base things that would make the process a little easier on me explaining when questioned...
Either way, it's not about how I feel - it's all about what happened to Cindy, and I need to be honest so she won’t have to grow up and have all this sorrow on her shoulders!
I'm pretty sure this change of scene will infuriate many people in the family, as I should have spoken up truthful about this incident long ago, and maybe they'll pass judgement on me because of my cowardice under the circumstances.
I don't really care about appearances anymore, or what people preach; what matters is that I'll hopefully gain justice once in for all and this period of dread can be left behind us!
Yours, Jay