Dear Diary,
I have such mixed feelings about Halloween. It used to be about dressing up and going trick or treating with my brother and parents. My dad always let us stay up way late and eat as much candy afterwards, practically until we threw up. My mom on the other hand, always made us put it up and only let us have a handful after trick or treating. Ryan would always grab a chair and get it from on top of the fridge and we would eat as much as we want and put the wrappers back in the bag so mom didn't see the amount of candy we were eating. haha
My last traditional Halloween, I dressed up as Alice from Alice in Wonderland. Not a sexy version, I was 13 and not into that kind of thing. I went with my friend Erika to the school. They were having activities for kids to come and win prizes and what not. It was kind of lame. We left and went trick or treating. After we were done, I was hanging out at Erika's waiting for Ryan to pick me up.
The minute I stepped into his vehicle, I could tell he was super drunk. He reeked of alcohol. He was dressed up as Dracula too. Dumb detail to remember but I remember it.
We actually made it home, which was a relief. He actually is a very good drunk driver. haha!
All of this is so hard to type. I still don't know what to make of any of it. Besides it changed my life forever.
The minute we got inside, he pushed me up against the fridge and was very drunkenly slobbering kind of kissing me. It was not, I don't know the word, appealing I guess. It is like making out with a St Bernard or something. He was so grabby too and not very nice about it either. It was more because he was so damn drunk and couldn't really stand so grabbing me was more to keep himself up right then to feel me up.
I don't even know how and where he got so drunk. I am assuming he was out with friends but he doesn't normally drink that much. He did one time, came home shitfaced, friends drove him home. Dad caught him and he was grounded for practically a year and he never did it again. I guess, maybe he thought he could get away with it since dad was working and mom was, I honestly don't remember.
I told Ryan I was going upstairs to change because being Alice in Wonderland just seemed ridiculous. When I changed my clothes, I heard Ryan fall in his room. Like a loud enough noise that either he fell so hard that I am pretty sure he really hurt himself or a super heavy piece of furniture fell over. He had fallen. I am a really nice person so I figured he would need to get into his bed to pull off the whole, I wasn't drinking last night kind of thing in case mom checked in on him.
I just remember what the punishment was last time Ryan came home drunk and I felt really sorry for him. My dad has zero tolerance for drinking and driving. Really underage drinking in general. Which is kind of hypocritical since he practically made it his job in high school. I guess, that is what makes you a parent though. More do as I say, not as I do MO.
Ryan was hard as hell to get standing and of course, I am like 5'2" and 100 pounds-ish, and he was dead weight until he somewhat got on his feet. Of course, I fell down and he was on top of me, all because I am sure he purposely planned that one. Then the St Bernard kisses happened again. Like gross and please stop because my face around my mouth was wet from his slobber/spit. I don't know if I have ever told him that.
He did tell me he was super sorry about being so drunk. Like two days later haha. He was so sick the next day, didn't surprise me. With how much he was throwing up, I am surprised his stomach wasn't bleeding or his esophagus ruptured or something. I don't even know if that is possible with throwing up too much but it was bad. He told mom he had food poisoning. She bought it. So if you ever get so hung over that you are physically ill, just say you have food poisoning because it is actually very similar with symptoms.
The rest of this story is all confusing and just, idk
He pulled my pants down and of course made an attempt to have sex with me. I remember I was on that stupid rug in his room that is a magnet for stickers and embedding in the fibers so you don't notice the stickers until you step right on top of it. One was poking on the bottom of my thigh and I just remember focusing on that pain and literally was forcefully pushing my thigh down on it to feel the pain. I think that started my obsession with liking the feel of pain.
He finished so quick. Looking back it seemed a lot longer but I know it wasn't. I wasn't sure if he passed out or was just catching his breath or something because when I shoved his chest up to look at his face, he reminded me of the little boy he was. His face looked exactly like it did when he was like 8, maybe younger. I remember that.
He must not have been as drunk as I thought he was because he carried me and put me in his bed. It happened again, I remember thinking why didn't I stay over at Erika's. I wasn't mad at him just not in the mood for this or him at the moment. His slobbery kisses were probably the worse of it all. Actually they were. He lasted longer which did make it more enjoyable.
The one part that I did love was when he was done, he wrapped his arms around me and asked how my night was and that he loved me. Which he usually always said when we were together.
We actually talked for awhile, it was nice. I hadn't seen him much for awhile because he was either busy with school or football. I don't remember exactly what we talked about but I do remember him lying on top of me, wrapped his arms around me, to the point I wouldn't be able to move if I wanted to. I felt so safe with him. I still do. I miss him like hell. He would just take me home to my parents if I were to visit him. Not worth it to me.
I also remember that when we were done talking he rolled over and turned on his tv, it was the movie Scream. I hate that movie! I don't know why but I hate it and that was the first time I had seen it and it was only on for about five minutes before I fell asleep. Actually, flipping through channels and seeing that on was what prompted all these memories again.
I have no idea how long I slept. I woke up and another movie was on and Ryan was wanting more. I don't know if I am just dead inside or don't care but I usually always let him. At that point, it had stopped hurting and was becoming more of an enjoyable act. He made it seem like such a loving thing for us to do. I still think it is.
God, I think the next part is crazy. I never thought it would feel as good as it did. I remember being on top and I used his shoulders for balance. He grabbed my ass which it was all strange and he had to explain more what to do. I am naive and stupid as fuck. Like, I don't know what we were thinking. Because it was beyond irresponsible. The whole act of the sex at that moment was so different from all the other times and I felt completely naked, self conscious, and unsure of what to do. I know he had seen me naked but for some reason, I felt so self conscious in that position because I felt more naked than I have ever felt before. It was actually uncomfortable. Although, after that last time, I knew at that point I was no longer a kid. I was now a woman. I don't know how having an orgasm changes all of that but, I had crossed a threshold that I could never go back from.
I had an orgasm for the first time that time. It was intense and crazy feeling. The sweet part about it all was when I laid on top of him afterwards he said he was happy I enjoyed it that much and he loved me and hoped it would happen more for me. I have all kinds of mixed feelings about that night. The main one is we were stupid and irresponsible. I should have known better but I honestly didn't really think of anything else that night but him.
I went to bed when he fell asleep and when I woke up I figured he would need Powerades and crackers, so when I put them on his night stand by his bed, I remember there were two brand new condoms just lying there. It still hadn't clicked besides I wonder why we didn't use them.
He was very sick that day, very sick. Like I said, it didn't surprise me.
Life went on as normal. He is busy with school and working part time at a neighbors ranch. I honestly hadn't seen much of him until Thanksgiving break and I remember sitting in my study hall class and counting down the days of when my last period was. Since starting my period in April that year, I hadn't had regular ones at all. I started having sex in August and in November I hadn't had a period which I had skipped a month twice before.
I remember not being super concerned because I knew it would happen in December. Then as the days got closer, the feelings you normally get before it happens, were gone. I usually get a headache and my cramps start before it even happens. It was like I wasn't going to have one. I panicked then because I knew I was pregnant.
I remember mom talking to me about periods and sex in April when I started my period. I was familiar with the basics but for some reason never thought it would happen to me. Ryan was also telling me it wouldn't happen when I asked about it. He laughed and I felt like it was such a ridiculous question when I asked him.
Christmas break happened, I went into Walgreens, which was super busy. Grabbed a test and ran! I have no idea if they had seen me or were chasing after me. I just kept running and ran right into the nearest woodsy area.
I am surprised how easy it is to feel like you need to pee when you are super nervous and anxious. I peed on the stick and set it behind me while I sat on the log. I remember praying and making all kinds of deals with God, to not let it be positive. Like, literally promising everything to him. I weirdly enough had felt super confident that even if it was positive, that I had changed the course of nature and God changed it because of how much I was promising
It was positive! There was another one, I took it and actually watched the screen on the test and it blinked and blinked and finally said Pregnant.
I threw up and weirdly enough that started my morning sickness, which was like all day sickness. The only way I felt better and avoid throwing up was sipping ice water all day long. I carried a water bottle around my entire pregnancy.
I went home and walked along the road. I actually hoped someone would hit me. I was hoping that was what God wanted to happen because surely me being pregnant was not what was supposed to happen.
I don't know why I thought praying and promising to God was even feasible since I had only been to church for weddings, funerals, and when I stayed over at Erika's because her family went and I would go with her. Like why would God change or do anything for me?! What was I thinking then?! I laugh about it now because how ridiculous of me.
When I laid down face down on the couch, Ryan had come down the stairs and asked what was wrong. I am sure it looked weird to walk up to someone just lying face down on the couch. I started crying and reached into my back pocket and handed him the two tests.
I didn't bother looking at him, why?! All I heard was silence and then he finally set down beside me and picked me up so I would look at him and he was smiling saying everything will be okay. It was the exact opposite of what I was thinking. How are things going to be okay?! How in the world am I going to tell mom and dad?! It is going to hurt like a bitch to have a baby! Lots of thoughts, none positive, the more I thought about it all, the more freaked out I was getting and there is my brother smiling and cool as a cucumber.
And because I am a dumbass we had sex again, on the couch, where our family sits in the evening to watch TV. No condom because like what difference did it make at that point?! What the heck point did anything mean at that moment in my life?! Nothing made sense. The world had changed. He had made me a mother and he was going to be a dad. I cried the entire time we had sex. He was trying to reassure me and say he would be there for me.
Looking back, all of it is just, strange. My life changed with an act of love. It was hard for me because I don't think I was ready, actually I wasn't ready for it.
I felt like I was a ghost in our home. I tried to be invincible, avoid others, because I just hadn't quite grasped that I was pregnant. Although another month had passed and still no period but I was hoping the next month it would change. I literally hoped that during my entire pregnancy.
I'm a moron and needed to understand biology more at that age.
This is such a long story with many details but I was impregnated on Halloween. Only time I had sex during that cycle because of his busy schedule before and after we had sex that night.
Halloween to me is a day of transformation and I don't know if I look forward to the holiday or dread it. I hate the movie Scream, and I have only watched about five to ten minutes of it.
Ryan and I had sex so many times. Very rarely used condoms because he thought it was ridiculous that I could get pregnant by him. I think he told me that since we are related it wasn't going to happen. It seemed logical to me at the time. Although now, I know way better than that.
The thing I am thankful for is that with us being so irresponsible, our son is perfectly healthy. I don't know if I could ever live with myself if there were birth defects or developmental issues, or anything else that can happen to babies. We lucked out!
I miss Ryan and I wonder if he has the same feelings about that night. We honestly don't talk much about the past. It is always but the moment. Maybe I should ask him but I don't see the point when it is all said and done. There is no changing it even if I did hear his thoughts or memories and his memory of it is probably way skewed since he was shitfaced that night.
I have such mixed feelings about that experience and Halloween in general. The one thing I do know, is that I love Ryan. We have made mistakes and have continued to make mistakes but I don't hate him for it. I don't think I ever will. I don't see how I can hate him for it. He is my brother and I will always love him. Always!