Dear Diary,
I hate this!
So dumb last night! Like seriously probably the dumbest thing ever! Sandy is a moron and clearly I am too!
I think the only thing that actually had some brain cells last night was the shovel.
I'm thinking of going solo again for awhile, less stupidity going on that way.
I should have never left Kemper. Damn, I am kicking myself every single hour of every single day about that.
I need to quit complaining and just accept it.
I wouldn't mind visiting my brother but I know how that would turn out and I don't want to go home.
I just feel lost. It sucks. I don't want to be home, I don't want to be out here either. Where is my place in life? Why can't I figure it out? Why, seriously, why? Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself but I just feel so hopeless and dead inside. The weird thing is that with Kemper I didn't. Gah, I know, quit it! Shut up and quit bitching! It is getting annoying to me even. I need to accept that I am not at Kemper's anymore!!!!!!!!!
What is it about Sunday's that are depressing?! I guess they haven't always been that way. I used to watch football with my dad practically all day on Sunday's. Well, and maybe do a little bit of homework haha! Like, I don't even care about football, but it was so nice to have lazy Sunday's like that.
Now they are so depressing, why?! Maybe it is the COVID thing, maybe it is because I feel absolutely alone when Sunday's used to be a nice family thing, maybe it is because I just suck at this thing called life, maybe I am getting depressed again, or maybe I haven't stopped being depressed...
Is football even going on?! I need to probably take some time and catch up on news. The world could have fallen and zombies have taken over, and I wouldn't have any idea. I need to figure out if I am a Rick or a Negan, probably a little of both, except female. haha! No, I would seriously want to die if that shit ever happened. My outdoor skills are shit and while I don't mind being on my own, it would be awful to not know if people I loved were dead or alive.
The weather is overcast, windy, and cold. It is depressing today and I have a bad hangover. I feel alone because Sandy and I are just not compatible at all. I am way more mature than this idiot.
I just can't today. Does that make any sense?! I have no fight in me and can't do/deal/think/want anything today. I'm just zilch and done.
I am in need of some more soul searching because things are just getting in the way and clouding my thought process. Sandy mainly!
I am jumping around so much on this entry but my brain hurts, I have a bad headache and I just keep jumping around in my thoughts.
I guess there isn't anymore news besides feeling super off and disconnected with myself and the world. Is this normal? Will it ever end? Is it because I am hungover? Is it because I am regretting about every decision I have made for the past two years? I think the answer is "NOBODY KNOWS"
Tomorrow will be a better day, right? Things will get better, right? Maybe there will be another "Kemper type place", right? I will find happiness in myself someday, right?
Contemplating all those questions makes me feel worse because I am certain it isn't going to happen.
I feel the only person right now that would even have a semblance of a clue to what I am talking about is my brother. I'm not going to go down that road though. I keep telling myself no. But I feel so lousy today. No! I am stronger than that, I think.
When I reread this day, I am going to be like wtf?! Yep, my feelings are everywhere, mostly very low, and I feel hopeless.
All of this is bumming me out, I am done typing. Peace out! I hope I will be better soon