I could literally scream right now. I want to. Its crawling inside me. I have no motivations. No hope right now. I wish I could drop out of school, stop eating, maybe just disappear. I know it wont fix anything though. I want to talk about what I write here but its like Ive convinced myself its a taboo that I cant talk about. I dont understand how ----- was so open about it yesterday I wish I could be like that. I think I hate myself more than I realize. Ive put a blindfold over my own eyes and I know its there but I cant remove it. I think Im strange like that. I am conscious of my problems, yet I cant see them at the same time theres a wall of glass between them and me. I can see them but I cant touch them. Maybe they just dont actually exist. and Im just making them up. right now its as if I can feel theyre there, but I dont know what they are. Its this weight, not emptiness. It fills my entire body so much so my hands are shaking. Its a weight that tries to burn me into the ground. Grind me under its heel, but I have supports too that prevent it. I want to be ground down. To- This weight is just me wanting to confess everything. I think once I get this all out of my head, It'll get better, like when I finally told ---- about my suicidal thoughts. Ive been more open recently but I cant get the words. Im afraid that Im going to make my friends uncomfortable, even though I know they want to help. I dont want to be told they can help me because I already know it. I want to be able to accept it, because deep down I know I dont. Deep down there are a lot of things I dont accept about myself. I just have to figure out what they are 1 by 1 and confront them. Heres one: Im afraid to confront my sexuality, because I dont want my friends to think differently about me. I havent labeled myself for that exact reason. I know they wont care, but Im still scared. I feel like Im not good enough and that Im not going to be, because Im never motivated to try. I move on autopilot to keep up my grades and demeanor. I forget about all my problems when Im in school or with friends. Maybe thats why I cant ever talk. Im so used to forgetting my issues that I start to out of habit. I'll use this entry as notes and reminders for when I talk to ----. Theres so much I want to say that it gets all jumbled up and I cant say anything. How should I even start? I keep thinking about the tarot reading I got. How in the present I hate myself basically. Im trying to get to the roots of what that means. I know its there, but I just cant quite grasp it. My brain is trying to protect me from something I shouldnt remember, and I want to learn what it is. Fighting with yourself is hard. It feels like theres 50 voices inside my head and its hard to concentrate. Its difficult to even stay on topic. My brain is trying to get me to wander in a different direction. Stray away from the path and just let it go. I wont. If im fighting against it, I know Im on the right path. This is self discovery, my mission right now. Something that doesnt need motivation because it just happens. I have motivation though because I want this feeling to stop. I'll find it eventually
A