Dear Diary, TW eating disorders, Trauma
(Blue) -Trama holder
I'm not in a good place. Ii can't eat... I can't eat anything, I struggle with anorexia for so long. One of my good friends in the system struggles with Pica. He eats paper and paint chips and I don't know what else. Some alts make fun of me because I'm mute i can't speak.
(Alters go by anoynomous names to protect the systems Identity)
Dissociative Identity disorder/DID: Two or more different identities living in one body a trauma based disorder. Old name was multiple personality disorder (MPD) but DID is not a personality disorder is a dissociative disorder.
Alter/Alt: reference to different identities, alternate identities
Switching: Alters switching who is I'm control
Trauma holder: Alt that holds Trauma
(Any other terms that may be confusing have definitions listed at the bottom. If you are confused on terms please stroll to the bottom.)
It's difficult for me the one thing I like to eat is canned cat food, disgusting to some but a treat to me because of my past. I'm unable to talk and it's caused problems for me at school. Imagine being called on and unable to awnser.
I have many triggers, negitave triggers so I often end up being up front and I'm also the best at switching. The host Br, tells me she dose not like switching. She says it dosent feel pleasant to her. It feels a little uncomfortable to me but I'm very good at it so it's often quick.
I think switching must be a skill really. Some alters seem to struggle to switch out and it takes a very long time, and switching can feel different to different alts. Some find it to feel extremely uncomfortable.
When I come to the front I often try and get the co host to wait near the front so he can speak if we need to a kind of co con where I can tell him to take the wheel but sadly it isn't always possible to.
The teacher got in my face about things I just wanted to cry. I'm not stable right now, I'm sorry if my work isn't done, please for once lay off.
I feel always so sad depression is a bitch a huge bitch.... No one gives me a break.
Oh hi Blue, can you switch out I wanted to see someone else. Jee thanks. Makes me feel so great.
On top of that it's not always even possible to switch out. The alt you want may not even be able to hear me, but no I have to try for you put myself into doing something that makes me feel on edge, and because I'm on edge and you won't shut your mouth the switch takes longer. Not that you care.
My jump is funny to you? It's funny to scare me. Ha, real nice. You like the way I jump.... Good for you. I have warned you not to touch my neck. Have you heard of boundaries. I don't care what Br allows you to do. (Br hasn't ever been strangled) you respect my boundaries if you're aware it's me.
Ha, respect what that.
The worst is when people tell me I'm not real or think I'm a demon. I'm not a demon I'm not bad. We are just different.
Having to pretend to be Br all the time is exhausting please forgive me if I'm acting off or sad....
Host: Alt(s) who is/are out the mostt
Protector: An Alter who protects the system
Little: An Alter under 12
Triggers (in context): Something that can make an alt come to the front
Negitave triggers: Things that remind an alt of a negitave or traumatic experience
Positive triggers: Things like an alters favorite song or a toy store for a little
Co consciousness/co con: More than one alt is in control
Eating disorder: umbrella category for disorders involving unhealthy relationship with food or unusual eating habits.
Anorexia: An eating disorder in which a person severally limits how much they eat or starves themself.
Pica: An eating disorder in which an individual eats things which aren't typically eaten such as dirt, grass, rocks, paper, paint, etc.