October 20, 2020

Dear Diary, I just have to get some of these thoughts out of my system again.

For some reason I can't stop thinking about that one guy who I met one time at a BDSM meeting. He made me so angry. I was talking about my problems finding someone, and he always barged in disagreeing with me. He talked about he was a nerd too and how he is even overweight and still finds a lot of girls who like him. He just wouldn't get the difference between us.

Yes he is overweight and a nerd and I'm much taller than him and probably better looking, but at the same time he was one of the most extroverted guys I've ever met. Always talking in every conversation like his opinion was the most important, bragging about his sexual encounters, and laughing really loud. It's no secret that girls love that, eceryone says so. And I'm the exact opposite of that. It was maybe the second time I said anything that evening.

 I told him that his success is because of his personality and that this is the important part. But he wouldn't believe me, said that I was just self pitying myself and if ypu just stick around girls long enough like at the BDSM meetings they would eventually like him. Case in point there was this girl that I find really attractive and intelligent, who usually goes to these meetings. And she was all over him the whole evening, hugging him and everything while he mostly ignored her.

I'm really not jealous usually, but seeing the embodyment of what I am not being cuddled the whole evening by that super cute girl made me question everything, I have to admit. He was such a obnoxious guy, not even good looking and just because he likes to be loud he gets all the female attention he wants. Stuff like this is why so many guys question if they should really be themselves or what is good in their eyes.

It's not just being around girls. I've studied a subject with 90% female students. And I went to these BDSM meetings 2 years straight and it didn't work for me. Nobody likes me, just because I'm the wrong kind of person. And yeah maybe that is selfpity, but I think I deserve it after spending my whole life alone while wishing most of the time it was different.

I just feel more and more broken the longer this goes on. I lost almost all confidence in my sexuality. I'm not even sure if I will get an erection, even if I did get the chance. My sexual attraction to women has decreased so much since I was a teen and even compared to 3 years ago. Even masturbating doesn't feel that good anymore.

I have no idea if that is normal or not. Maybe I lost my chance or lost my sexuality because I didn't use it. Or maybe it's because relationships and sexuality are increasingly becoming this monster that I fear and is eating me up, instead of something pleasurable.

I went to the doctor once because of this and he also just told me it's because I'm getting older. But I'm only 26. It makes me feel like my life is already older. And then all the people tell you that it is no big deal to never had a relationship. They have no freaking idea of how it is. I have no idea how I'm supposed to figure out and enjoy my sexuality now that everything is so complicated.

I hope so much that this will just be fixed if I find a girlfriend. I don't want her to think that it's becasue I'm not attracted to her and it will damage her self confidence too. Or she will immediately leave me again, that would be terrible.

And there is just nothing I can do about this, nobody who will help me. No girl who will just like me and doesn't care about these problems. I mean they probably exist, but one choosing me when no girl has ever chosen me is so incredibly unlikely.

Good bye