Dear Diary,
This is hard. And long. But I think I am finally ready to get it all out. Finally ready for everyone to actually know everything that happened during the 2 years of my hell.
Its been more than 2 years since I finally got him out of my life. Before I finally became free of the torment. But sometimes, it still haunts me. Sometimes I still hear the horrible words said to me.
I used to believe he loved me. And maybe he did in his twisted way. But that doesn't make any of it ok.
I am not sure if it can be classed as abuse. I see and hear other stories a lot worse, and think I should just get over it already. But its hard to do.
He rarely hurt me. But when he did, he always made sure the marks was somewhere that was hidden well.
But instead, most of the time he used words. He got into my head. Made me believe I wasn't good enough. He knew how much I hated my looks and my weight. He used that.
He also played on my fear of not being able to have kids. The pain of my brother's death. The guilt of losing my dog to cancer.
He threatened my dog lots too. He knew it would make me back down because my dog means the world to me, and I would never let anyone hurt him.
Then he would turn everything around on me. When he tried to strangle me, I scratched his face to get him off. He said he would tell the police I was abusing him. And that they would believe him because he was autistic. He threw a hoover at me because I went out with my friend.
Sometimes when I had to work the next day, he would stop me from sleeping. He would make sure I was really tired for work. He would start an argument and keep it going until I was exhausted and only had a couple of hours left to sleep.
He would threaten to hurt or kill himself if I didn't do something he would want me to. He told me I forced him to do things, even though most of the time I didn't want to. I would do it because he would say I didn't care and I was selfish and accuse me of cheating.
I don't think there was any day that went by where I wasn't crying or ill. Every single night I would cry myself to sleep. I was so tired all of the time.
The worse thing is that I started self harming again. And was suicidal.
I always believed when he said everyone would be on his side. And that I should be more understanding with him.
Even now, I worry that maybe I was the problem. I'm still confused about it all. I still wander, was it abuse? Or is it just because that he didn't realise what he was doing was wrong? I don't know. I just know it still hurts, and I still thnk about it all.
I think I just needed to get it out. One way or another.