Dear Diary, today I will tell you more about Knight, the only girl I ever asked out.
About 2 years ago I decided to do something against my extreme loneliness. The problem was that I had no idea what. I literally had no social contacts, so I couldn't just meet friends of friends or get invited to a party. I was in university of course, but actually finding someone who wants to stick around you there is surprisingly hard. And I used to be very socially anxious, like I said.
So I went to some random bars and felt like an Alien there, because I don't drink alcohol. I joined random meetups on meetups.com or whatever, but they proved to be very disapointing. It seemed like the world was just not made for someone like me to find anyone.
And of course one of my main goals was to find a girlfriend too. I was very sad that I still hadn't found one. This holds true to this day of course. I feel like I'm wadting my whole youth alone and I have no means to experience intimacy or explore my sexuality.
Eventually I had a rather unconventional idea. I made a Discord server for introverts at my university. If you don't know Discord is a program, where you can make a big chatroom with multiple channels.
I hung up flyers all over campus with an invite to my server. Maybe I will tell more about what happened with the server another time. But what is important is that a Vietnamese girl joined the server one day and then invited her best friend who is also Vietnamese. And that girl was Knight.
My server had channels where you could talk about subjects like anime or videogames and we quickly discovered that we had many common interests in these subjects.
So eventually we started chatting privately and almost every day. Or rather night because both of us are huge night owls.
Eventually we met in university too, to play some games on my Switch. I already noticed then that she was really pretty, but I'm not the type that immediately falls in love.
I really liked her character too. She is a very quiet girl, the type who walks around lost in thought. I was always into girls with these characteristics and she was nerdy too.
Honestly I thought I was super boring to her when I first met her. When she left I thought that maybe she wouldn't write me again. But them she immediately did after she left and I can't describe how happy I was. There was this girl who actually seemed to give a damn about me. I just wasn't used to that.
We met a few times more. Mostly in the cinema, because she is a big movie fan. So I slowly developed a big crush on her. And I kept thinking how to ask her out.
One day we were riding the train back from the cinema. And she tells me about this Vietnamese Speed Dating event at our uni. She said that she will go there and maybe I could find someone similar. I had talked to her and the server about my desperate search for a girlfriend.
My thoughts started racing. She was going to go to that even and find someone else and then she would be gone. So I mustered up the little courage I had and said : We could date too you know.
And she says: No, I have too many sorrows right now.
Obviously I was very confused. She just told me she was going to a dating event. Did this mean that she wanted me too wait until she was ready?
Two days later I decided that I had to find out. I wrote her about me asking her out and what she actually meant with that.
Whenshe saw my message whe wrote on and off for about 2 hours. It was agonizing.
Eventually she wrote that she didn't realize that I asked her out. She only saw me as a friend not as a romantic partner.
I was heartbroken. I mustered up a "Thanks for your answer, now I know."
I was crying a lot that night and the weeks after that. I had never been so sad in my life, maybe not even when my cat died. She seemed to be perfect. She had the same interests and actually talked to me a lot, even late at night. If she didn't like me, then who ever would?
The day after that I made a big mistake I asked her if we could talk about relationships in general. I feel very negative about this topic because it just seems so impossible. Nobody has ever shown any interest in me and even in online dating I get no serious matches.
So I let out my frustrations, even though I knew it was too much. She told me that she was feeling uncomfortable. Knight had never had a relationship too by the way, and she is only 3 years younger than me. I apologized and we didn't talk for a long time.
One mysterious thing happened though.
I had just made a new Tinder profile with her best friend, who was also on the server and is also my friend. A few days later I suddenly see Knight on Tinder. Her profile was very barebones, but it was her. I did not swipe on her and tried to see if her profile would stay on Tinder After about 3 days it disappeared. Did she go on Tinder to find me and look at my profile which her friend told her about. Why? Or did she actually wnat to try Tinder. She is not the type for thst I feel like.
She also went back to Vietnam for a few months.
After that she wrote me again. I answered and was happy that she wanted to talk again. But I was also reluctant, because I felt like I couldn't be open to her anymore. I avoided to talk about anything related to my nonexistant lovelife, because I didn't want to make the same mistake twice.
That made some of our conversations awkward I feel like. Maybe that had been awkward all along. I don't know anymore.
But she kept talking to me. Even when she wouldn't answer me for a few days. Suddenly she would write me somethknh random again. Recently she suddenly texted me about Fall Guys.
We will go to the cinema again with some friends in 2 weeks. I also still have a gift for her I bought for her birthday before Corona hit. A Hollow Knight Plush.
I have no idea what is actually between us. Maybe our personalities are just too similar...