Dear Diary,
I have a hard time getting back to my normal sleeping pattern (10pm-6pm). Now, I sleep from 5am-1pm.
I feel tired but I can't sleep.
And I'm guilty of being obsessed checking my phone's notifications, scrolling through social media and all that stuff.
Also, that bright bulb directly above me bothers me so much but I am not allowed to turn it off.
Basically, it's just a chill day
Not much household works.
Read few lines in a calculus book.
Did I miss something? Yeah, just those things. What a very productive day it is.
So I'll just talk about myself.
I am the kind of guy that deep inside wants to have a happy very intimate relationships (whether its friendship, family etc).
But, when I encounter them, I tend to avoid looking at their eyes because I think I should avoid overbearing my thoughts and feelings because I fear that they'll judge me as a weak, fragile self esteem, weird guy.
I have only one close friend that I trust most of my thoughts and I'm so thankful that I met him just last year and I'm now freshman - yeah, that's how lonesome I am.
The rest (like my siblings, other friends, and parent), I don't say much to them.
I'd like to be that energetic, talkative, courageous and easy going person. But when I do, I fear that they'll be bothered and stay away from me. In addition, I'm guilty of internally judging them as dumb (I apologize to most girls), selfish (those that abuses your help and can't depend to them when you need help) and most as not my kind.
So I exclude myself from them all the time because I feel I'm weird and I have no place in their lives.
So I just talk to them if it's necessary such as school works, and uhm, nothing more.
Even though, I say this feelings like it was conscious acts but they're not.
It's hard to change. I want to but I don't know If I can be that guy that I'd like to be.