July 21, 2020

Dear Diary,

This is the second day in a row that I've spent my workday in tears.  The break-up was months ago, but every day is a gamble with how I'll feel.  I guess hearing yesterday that there is a zero percent chance that we will get back together might have impacted that. It's not easy trying to remain friends and roommates when I have to face my constant unrequited love.  I broke up with him because he fell out of love with me, he was physically sick knowing that he would suffer if he hadn't said anything, and so I had to let him go.  A big part of me wishes I was still selfish. I wish I would have fought it.  But I couldn't do that.  He lived in pain for a year and a half. I always thought we were good at communicating but both of us were actually too afraid. A life with out challenging someone else can tear down at you mentally.

I still love him so much, and I know that will change. We both want to see the other person succeed in life.  I don't want to lose contact with him like I had with my other ex.  I know I need this time to figure out who I am.  I need the time to explore the paths that I've always avoided because I was too frightened.  I was never one to speak my thoughts. Growing up and questioning the world always was the wrong thing to do.  But I wish I was the person I am now two years ago, because maybe things wouldn't have ended up this way.  

Damn, my chest hurts