Hi Diary,
I am struggling with yelling problem these days, I unconsiously yell at people in office, which does damage to my position, i feel sorry after doing it, but in the moment i seem to loose my temper at times. Its also because i feel so much at loss of control. I do not have control over what company is going to do, or what everyone is going to do. I want to give this company a direction, make few processses and i want everyone to follow those processes, yes i can be wrong at times, but even then, i want everyone to follow one vision, one direction. As steeve jobs said, that even if we make mistakes, i am glad that we made few decisions. Without the processes and without everyone following a vision, i am not sure, how will we ever succeeed or be better than what we are today.
I dont know how the fuck i keep eveyone in the team motivated. Pleasing everyone and yet asking them to stretch a bit from their comfort zones.
No one is listening, and the only solution which comes to my mind in such situations is to let these people go, telling you are not suited for this job, please find something else. But if i were allowed to do that, i'll be left alone in the company. I know something could be just wrong with me, i am taking the whole company too personally, but then, i also think that i am a cofounder and not a manager, i have to take this personally.
Dealing with few people in office is getting really difficult everyday now. Its harmful for my self esteem (Or ego, i dont know). Even if its ego, sometimes we perform well because we are feeling confiedent, but if people keep asking your authority, then your confiedence falls (I know it shouldnt be affected by other people's opinion). I'll have to work on myself and maybe just deal with few people more proffesionally, that's all.
Control the company's direction, but more proffessionaly... (I am sure this whole phase has a big lesson for me...)
These days i am watching a lof of system design articles and coding interviews. Watching these things i too wish, that i want to build bigger systems, solve more complicated problems, make great tools which everyone uses, build my own framework, new programing language etc.. And maybe i should leave everything and prepare for google inerview...
But then if i give it more thought, i think what i have at hands is a great opportunity for me to build and do all those things, and also from outside, i am looking at all of those things cummulative, but all of those were not done by one man, and maybe i'll also not be able to do all of those. We start one thing and then dedicate rest of the time working on the same thing, only then it'll be a big product.
I studied journey of some other startups and founders, it looks so much like us, and i think a big difference between a successful and non succesful startup is perseverance, and we have come a long way... for some startups this resembles like a defining point, many startups sky rocketed after reaching this point, the one who fails usually fails a lot earlier. But i am ofcourse still worried, i cant just trust some random hypothesis.
I see many faults in the team, specially us 4, the co founders, i dont see great abilities in any of us, Not very good leaders, not too talented, no charming personalities or great visionaries, and not extremely hard working. Nor do we have great business connections or awesome backgrounds. To be honest, it's hard for even me to tell why will we succeed or will we ? I am putting my efforts, but these days i dont have a lot of energy i used to have. I am lost in myself, and the complexity of system is increasing. And i keep thinking of making less money during the peak years of my life (Or are they ? Or is making money more important right now, more than learning ?)
Sometimes i think about myself, loneliness, at random, on few days i just feel void and alone. And i cant think of anything that can fill this void, that will make me less lonely. Temporarily i can find excuses, work, friends, games, talking with her. But i know that, its all temporary and the loneliness is more permanent, thats part of me.... and sometimes none of these will help. I just have to live that moment myself and wait for it to pass.
These days i dont know what has happened, i dont have anytime left in life, its the worst year of all, in terms of learning and doing something new. 7 months have passed, and i havent learnt something new or made anything else this year out of company. I have to sleep a lot everyday (Or i just sleep a lot, maybe i dont need to).
Ok, enough for today... You now know that it was not a good day here... 😀
But good comes after bad.... ;)
Goodnight... ❤️