Dear Diary,
It was on April 6 that when I was praying, God impressed this in my heart, "look at the woman in the mirror."
From then on I became conscious of the person that I really am.
I realized that I am always angry. I allow small things to anger me. I have very short patience.
I am loud, irritating and toxic. I am so toxic nobody really likes to be with me. I am just loud and no love. Paul call this, "banging of cymbals."
I thought I am zealous for God and that I got angry at people disrespecting God's holiness. But I am a fake person because I am worse than those people.
I am full of myself. I am angry, loud, and think of myself as the "most caring, loving" manager. I allowed myself to believe in my personality that I thought that I am. Other people see me far more clearly than I see myself.
I am busy. Very busy. But I am not productive.
I have an illusion of success. I dress up, drive a car and have a title to support it. But I am poorer than a lowkey tricycle driver.
I conclude that I really have nothing, and I am a shallow, empty person. Its only by God's grace and favor that I am still walking with heads high. But anytime they will see how fake I am.
I dont like people praising me, complimenting me. I dont want them to have the wrong idea that I am good and succesful person. I am not.
The reason I cannot share the gospel is that I am far from the look of a Christian. Nobody wants to be like me. If I share Christ to them, theu would either not believe me, mock Christ, or even reject Christianity because they dont want to be me.
Praying for God to lead me to live a genuine life.