Dear Diary,
I worked my shift, and said good bye to my husband sent him off to work, got all comfy and seriously tried to sleep, and yet again... I am up for the 3rd time in 4 hours. Not always the same dream I today, but I will try to capture this last one a little...
Dream Journal - My first official posting with my job since I finally finished all the months of training. 18 years old and at an overseas location, my first time off the continental North America region. I thought that this was suppose to be a team... a family... but I guess every family has a black sheep or 2. I was in my room after work, locked the door, showered and lay down in bed. I know I locked the door. But I didn't know when or how he opened it, I never heard. I just felt him when he jumped on me, I tried to get up, I tried turn over to face him. He wouldn't let me though. Recognizing that one arm was now behind my back and restrained, and no matter how much I fought he just overpowered me, I started to yell, I tried to scream, but nothing came out. I yelled several times, and felt so alone. I started to cry. He tried to comfort me and tell me to be quiet. I yelled out again, and then someone walked in my room and asked... What's going on in here... I started pleading for help and he kept saying that everything was ok. The guy stood there for a while confused, but saw something that made him remove the one from on top of me. Was it my yelling, my crying, my torn clothes... I will never know I guess. But I will forever be thankful. The intruder kept saying, You have it all wrong, she wants me here, she wanted this. The nice man reported it, and there was an investigation. I found out my intruders name was RC a member of my team, he told people that I let him into my room, and that we were playing around, I told them my side of everything. The investigators just said that it was a he said-she said incident and that we had to write apology letters to the leadership, each other, and the investigators. When I refused to write the letters and tried to argue it I ended up with extra duties. New to this job, this lifestyle that I signed up for, and already I had lost my faith in justice, my leadership, and the police. That's also when I found out how much people talk, and spread stories and rumors. The next 2 years there were hell on earth, having to work with him and see him everyday. When I left there then found out how small the little world of my job was, and how I would run into people over and over again.
I hope that facing these pasts will be helpful for me. I tried to talk to counselors about it, but it never seemed to do anything for me. They would ask questions and want more details. The feelings, the smells, the little things... It just seemed to hurt more, and ingrained some things into my mind. Meditation and trying to clear my mind, only seemed to lend it to flashed of pictures and feelings, I never was able to get to that point of quietness and stillness that they recommended. I just want to sleep, with out having sleep aids that don't let me wake up when these dreams, these memories start. To sleep with out being afraid of what's going to run though my head, or the horrors that I feel reliving these memories.
Are there people that are just destine to live a life a horror, and other who never have to experience it at all? Is there even anyone else that has been through as much as I have been through. I found out that alot of other women, and even some men in that line of work experienced it. I thought it was an honorable job, the right path for my life. I thought it was the right choice and challenge for me when I was a teenage. If I knew though, if I knew what I was going to suffer I wonder if I would have never taken that path. I wonder if my choices in life were right at all. My counselors said that I didn't have choices really, that things just happen... the I start to wonder, how much can just simply happen to one person. The 6 years that I worked that job were rough... I had alot of pain, and loss. More then I ever knew was humanly possible.